negative

The thing about death is it can make you very negative.  About everything.  A person you loved so dear has been taken from you and you will never get to see them again here on earth.  That sucks.  A piece of your heart has been removed and gone with your loved one.  You don't feel like yourself.  There are times when everything and everyone seems to be against you.  But the thing is you have a choice.  To view life now that it has changed as a negative experience or a as a positive one.  It has been 16 months since my mom died and 2 weeks since my father in law died.  I have a first hand experience as to how quickly life can change.  You blink and what you thought was normal has now been flipped upside down and shaken up.  But I know that being negative about death and the impact it has had on my life is not how I want to spend my days.  There is a big difference between being sad and being negative.  It is normal to feel sad, it is healthy to cry and mourn and grieve.  It will benefit you to feel all those horrible emotions of grief.  It will not benefit you to let death change you for the worse.  For some reason this is the way my life has gone, death of my mom when I was only 30 years old, 2 weeks later the birth of my daughter at 26 weeks and then just 16 months later the death of my father in law.  It makes me wonder what will come next.  I made a promise to myself after my mom died and now I am making that promise again.

I promise to smile and laugh everyday.  At least once a day.  I will hug more.  I will say I love you always.  I will talk about my mom and now father in law everyday to my children so they feel that they are still here.  I will not let the little things that others do be my focus.  I will live in the present.  I will treat each day as if it were my last.  I will thank God every morning for letting me be here one more day with my family.

Don't let negative things change you for the worse, let it change you in a positive beautiful way.

shock

It was like any other Satuday morning. I had just gone out into the garage to do laundry. All of a sudden my husband came running out with the most paniked look on his face. I ran over to him and asked what was wrong. His answer, "Matty just called....my dads not breathing....he's not breathing" All I could respond with is "what?!" over and over again.  Luckily my friend had just arrived at our house (she and i had plans to go out), we left the kids with her and drove over to my in laws home. When we arrived the paramedics had just left with him to take him to the er. We headed there. When we arrived, it was us, my mother in law, and my brother in law. We all stood there and watched as firefighters worked so hard to save his life. It was crazy. After about an 1 hour they stopped.

My father in law died at 62 from a heart attack. No warning signs. Nothing. Just gone.

We are shocked, devestated and heartbroken. My kids have lost, honestly THE BEST PA EVER!

My father in law was more than an in law to me. He was my 2nd dad. He loved me as his own. He always told me he loved me. He always greeted me with a hug.  He never told the kids no. He was so proud of them. He was Lucys biggest cheerleader. He was my husbands best friend.  He was my mother in laws soul mate.  

There is a hole in my heart that my father in law filled. Our life this last year has been anything but easy, but we have forged on. Smiling along the way. This has knocked us down.  I am struggling trying to stand back up.

Today Kara was very sad.  I went up to her room to check on her. She was hysterical.  She said she was talking to grammy and pa in heaven and asking them to come back one more time. She just wanted to hug them one more time. She was begging me to make this happen. I wish I could, oh I wish I could,

truth

I am going to get real honest here.  I am exhausted.  Like at any given time of the day I could easily fall asleep.  It takes everything I have sometimes to not doze off while cooking, driving or even talking.  Why am I so tired?  4 kids.  That is the answer.  I never in my wildest imagination thought I would be this tired with just adding one more kid to my already busy 3.  Staying at home is way more tiring than I thought.  I give huge props to all you stay at home moms.  We just don't get enough credit.  Our job doesn't have a lunch break, it doesn't have sick leave, it doesn't have vacation days.  I let my husband sleep in both days this weekend, cuz I'm an amazing wife, but for reals last night I was so tired and than started to resent the fact that I was so cool for letting him sleep in.  Silly I know, but it is the truth.


A quick update on Lucy. Besides being the cutest baby EVER.  Here is proof:

She is pretty awesome.  After the nightmare that CHOC put us through (lost paper work, delayed therapy appointments, rude customer service) we were able to switch over to our providers rehab program.  She got evaluated and only has to have one physical therapy appointment and has to see an occupational therapist twice a week for the next couple of months.  We have only had one appointment and let me tell you she HATES it. But its for her own good.  It will get her to eat solids and help her move her mouth and tongue properly.  But I was super worn out after the appointment.  She and I looked like we had gone to battle after the 45 minute session was done.  I took her to babies r us to pick out a toy because she worked so hard.  I got myself an extra large coke to reward myself and to stay awake for the rest of the day.  I am excited though to see what therapy can do for my baby girl.

Also one more truth, all the baby toys in the world do not entertain my baby, you know what does?  Wii remotes, trash cans, the refrigerator, the dogs food and legos.  Pretty much all the things a baby should be playing with.  She has eaten a good amount of dog food though, I'm sure her therapist will be happy with that.

rainbow

So it happened.  The day that I had been looking forward to for an entire year.  On January 14th Lucy turned one. 

I had been planning her party in my head ever since she was born.  It was something that kept my thoughts postive and kept them from thinking we might not see a 1st birthday with her here. 

The night before felt like Christmas.  We were all so excited.  The kids woke up early and we all greeted Lucy with Happy Birthday singing and lots of hugs and kisses. 

Sometimes I am unaware at how much Lucys birth and hospital stay affected the kids.  Lily wanted to bring cupcakes to school to celebrate with her class Lucy turning one.  They all told everybody that Lucy was 1 years old.  They are just as proud of her as we are. 

My sweet Lucy, you were my rainbow when things got so dark. You still are. You are a constant bright spot in all our lives. You have come so far. Defied all the odds. You are determined, funny, serious, curious and beautiful. I can't wait to see what this year holds for you. For us.

Happy Birthday baby girl, may all your wishes come true!

365

December 31st, 2010, 8:16am:
I had finally fallen asleep on my husbands lap.  After being awake for the entire night, sitting with my mom, holding her hand, trying desperately to not loose all hope.  I finally laid my head down and closed my eyes.  45 minutes later I was awoken by my sister.  "Shes gone"  is all she said.  I looked at her and said "no".  I knew what it meant and I wasn't ready for it.  She held my hand and said it again, as if to convince herself of the truth.  "Yes Paige, she is gone"  I sat up and tried to understand.  But all I could do was think about breathing.  One breath in, one breath out.  My aunt said do you want to go say goodbye.  I nodded yes and started to walk down the hall into the room where I had grown up to kiss my mom one last time.  My husband walked beside me and held me up as I entered the room.  She laid there looking so peaceful.  But the minute I entered the room I knew it wasn't her anymore.  There was no life and it was very evident the moment you walked in.  I closed my eyes tight and leaned over and kissed her forehead.  I whispered in her ear "I love you.  Thank you for being the best mom ever"  I turned and walked out and fell into my husbands arms and wept.  Everything after was a blur.  I wanted to run out of the house.  I wanted to go back to sleep.  I wanted to go back in one last time and just lay with her.  But I knew nothing was going to make me feel any better.  Life at 8:16am was forever changed. 

365 days later myself, my sister, my husband and my children, let balloons off into heaven.  To celebrate the life my mom lived.  We each wrote a special note on each balloon and watched 7 balloons dance into heaven.  It was magical.  I am so proud of my family.  We did it.  We endured one of the toughest years I could have ever imagined and we came out  stronger and closer than before.  Goodbye 2011.  Hello 2012.  May you bring us even more peace, strength, love and happiness.

Water

Water.  I don't ever think about how amazing it really is.  Or the fact that at any given moment I can get some fresh, clean, cold water.  From my faucet.  From my refrigerator.  From the market.  From the hose.  Did you know that a lot, I mean A LOT of children go without clean drinking water. I can't imagine not being able to make Lucys bottle or fill the kids water bottles up for school.

 

Diseases from unsafe water and lack of basic sanitation kill more people every year than all forms of violence, including war. Children are especially vulnerable, as their bodies aren't strong enough to fight diarrhea, dysentery and other illnesses.

90% of the 30,000 deaths that occur every week from unsafe water and unhygienic living conditions are of children under five years old. Many of these diseases are preventable. The UN predicts that one tenth of the global disease burden can be prevented simply by improving water supply and sanitation. 
 taken from charity:water

Did you know there is something that you can do to help.  By donating just $10 to project 320   you can help change all that?  And did you know that by donating $10 it will enter you in giveaways on not just this little blog but lots of others?  How easy is that?  And how amazing to be able to fund a well that can provide clean drinking water for 10 YEARS!!!  

Here is my giveaway:

My sister in law and I are making flash cards for babies and toddlers.  They are perfect for your little ones imagination. I will be giving away the ABC set and the Animal and Insect set.  The ABC set  has 26 front and back handmade cards displaying the alphabet.
They Animal and Insect has 16 front and back handmade cards.
 Each card is laminated so you can easily clean them. Held together by a colorful ring so you or your child can easily flip through them.
Bright colors and original artwork will help your ever curious child learn and their imagination grow.
You can see more at our site, Flip to my Lou.

You can enter by donating just $10 to project 320.  One donation gets you one entry.  A $20 dollar donation gets you 2.  And so on.

Visit The Project 320 Blog to see all the other giveaways.

Spread the word about this amazing fundraiser and Good Luck!!!

thanks

Over at Joys Hope there is something amazing happening starting on Monday. After all the kindness we recieved after my mom died and Lucy was born I have never felt like I could say thank you in a way that really showed how grateful I was for all the gifts, food, cards and hugs. But this project is just a small way that I can start to pay it forward to others that might need a little happy in their life. Will you join me? Go check it out. It's really amazing how one little thing can make someones day so much brighter.