Thursday, May 26, 2011


My daughters are so full of questions when it comes to death. I don't blame them I am just as curious as to what happens after you die. It breaks my heart though that at 6 years old they are having to comprehend such heavy thoughts. They ask what is heaven like? Can Grammy see us right now? Does Grammy look the same? Will she come back and visit us? I had received a book after my mom passed, it is called "The next life" It is beautifully written. I don't know who sent it to us. But about a week after my mom had died we received that book with a few others. I was irritated at the thought of having to read these books. It really made me mad. So I shoved them deep in a closet and forgot all about them until the other day when Lily was having a particularly hard time. She was missing my mom so much and I was not finding the words she needed to comfort her. I remembered those books and dug them out of the closet. I started to read "The next life" and I tried my hardest to get through it without crying, which is impossible by the way. But it states some really wonderful thoughts. It talks about your spirit dancing above. How when we die we are more happy than ever. There is no sadness, no pain. It seemed to help the girls and myself. I often worry that the older kids will look back on their childhood and think that all their mother did was cry for a whole year. I try hard to hold back my tears and be strong for them but at times it is impossible. I miss my mom. I find myself longing for the past to be the present. I have been trying to find small signs that she is still her with us in the present. There have been two that really made my heart skip a beat. The first was the day Lucy came home from the hospital. I was in the kitchen making the kids breakfast and getting ready to go to the NICU. Something caught my eye outside. I looked and saw a giant Monarch butterfly wings spread and perched so perfectly on our umbrella. I slowly walked outside to take a better looks. It was beautiful. It laid so still that I thought for a moment it might be dead. I called for the kids to come and look. They all came out and were ohhhing and ahhhing at the beauty. All of a sudden the butterfly took off and flew right over my head touching the top of it. Like a little kiss. I do believe in my heart that that was some sign from my mom. The second sign came on Mothers Day. My dad and I had planted Gardenias and Hydrangeas in my front yard. Those were my moms favorites and I wanted to have something pretty to look at and think happy thoughts of her. I was anxiously awaiting the first bloom from the Gardenias. On Mothers Day I went outside to water my flowers and low and behold there was one perfectly bloomed gardenia. It had opened over night. It made me smile and changed my whole attitude that day. It is little things like that, that make me think that she is still in some way able to communicate with us. And that gives me great hope and comfort.

Friday, May 13, 2011


Lucy has been home for 1 month. We are enjoying every minute of it. The time seems to be passing rapidly. Lucy is doing wonderfully. She is so alert. She is gaining weight like crazy, she doesn't fit into any of her preemie diapers or clothes anymore! I can't get enough snuggles with her. The kids are just enamored with her. The kisses are endless around here. And even though Mike and I are more sleep deprived than ever we couldn't be happier that our sweet girl is home with us. It gives me such hope for the future. Never give up, never stop believing. Things may seem dark and hopeless, but don't despair, you have no idea what beauty lies right around the corner.

Lucy and her sweet cousin Hazel

We also had the pleasure of getting some amazing photos done by the talented DrewB, she has given us the most beautiful gift in these pictures. I will forever treasure them! The kindness of others never ceases to amaze me. Drew is one of those people that has gone above and beyond to make us smile again. She captured our family so perfectly at this time in our lives. Thank you Drew!!! Check out the pictures here and book Drew for your next family photos, you won't be disappointed!

Those links don't seem to be working, please try here:

Thursday, May 5, 2011


Dear Mom,
Happy Mothers Day!!! I miss you so much. Your absence has created such a hole in my heart. But I think you would be proud of me. I am still getting up every morning with the kids. I still make their lunches, still give them breakfast. I still take them to school and clean the house (well I clean as best as I can, you know I am terrible at cleaning) I still make dinner and give the children showers and tuck them in at night. But with every one of those daily tasks I am still blind sided by your absence. I long to pick up the phone and call you. You know last night I made my own BBQ sauce from scratch? And it was delicious!!

Oh and if you could only see Lucy. She is such a funny baby. She is loud, sounds sort of like a little piggy. I could just hear your laughter with all her little snorts and groans. I could just imagine your arms stretched out ready to snuggle up the sweetness that embodies Lucy. You would just beam with such pride at all your grandchildren.

The girls miss you so desperately. I try and explain to them what Heaven is and why they don't have you here with them. Last night Kara asked if Jesus could come back why can't you. I don't have any good answers for them as I can't find the answers myself. I just give them hugs and cry with them.

I wonder if you knew what an impact you had on not just ours but everyones lives. So many people miss you. I hope I told you enough how much I loved you. I hope you know that you were really my best friend. I cherish every memory we made together and mourn all the memories that won't be made. I love you mom, Happy Mothers Day.
Love~ Your favorite daughter Paige