strength

I found this poem on one of the preemie sites I visit and it gives me great comfort and strength through every step of this journey. Lucy is having a little difficulty breathing today, just a couple apnea episodes. The nurses say it's probably from her immunizations, it still raises my anxiety and makes feel like I have no control, but reading this prayer is helpful.

Premature Baby Prayer

God bless the little child behind the plastic wall. For all he knows is the ringing of the bells and the blurred images around him. He has been taken from my womb without warning and I long to hold him in my arms.

Lord, I ask in your name that my child be healed. I am willing to accept your decision no matter what it will be. I am willing to take on the responsibilities for caring for this child. I am willing to give this child love and understanding no matter the cost.

Please Lord help me to accept reality and what has happened without explanation or warning. Help me face the fact that this is not my fault and that I was given a special task to complete here on Earth.

God give my child the strength to make it through another second, minute, hour and day as each moment is a blessing and a triumph from heaven.

God, may you give the strength and compassion to the caregivers and nurses that take care of my child May you keep my child protected and free from all injury and pain.

Please take away the guilt and burden from my heart dear Lord. It is heavy and I feel it is all my fault. Take it away dear Lord. Sweet Jesus allow me the strength and understanding I need to communicate with the Doctors and Nurses.

As you see dear Lord, I am at your mercy for the life of
my child. Please leave him here on Earth and know that I will provide all the love and understanding that
this child needs. I accept the challenge and will be
your humble servant dear Lord.

-- Author unknown

new

Each day brings on a new beginning and I love that. The feelings I felt from the last post are still here but now I am feeling hopeful. There is a buzz around the NICU that Lucy might be coming home soon. She is now in an open crib and eating only from bottles. She wants to come home I just know it. I am sure she is sick of everything in the NICU just as I am. The beeping of the monitor. The poking and prodding of the nurses. Even the radio station, which is always set to either KOST or MYFM, honestly I have heard the theme from Grease and Tears in Heaven one too many times, and that in itself is reason enough to leave the NICU. She now weighs 4lbs. 9oz. and is looking plumper everyday. I was thinking today about how far she has come. She came out only weighing 1lb. 8oz. Think about that. 1 lb. 8 oz.!! And now 11 weeks later she is almost 5 pounds and doing most things that a newborn does. I am grateful to all the nurses and doctors and everyone who has prayed for Lucy. All of them have saved our sweet girl. I don't know what the future holds for Lucy, I can only hope for the very best for her. When I close my eyes I can see so perfectly, I see her running and laughing. I see her skipping next to me and playing with her brother and sisters. It is a beautiful image. One I am hopeful for. An image that will become a reality. I just can't wait!

done

It has been over 10 weeks since Lucy was born. That is 10 weeks of driving back and forth to the hospital. 10 weeks of anxiety and fear every time I call or enter the NICU. 10 weeks of not living at our home. 10 weeks of dealing with questions and not having the answers. 10 weeks and I am DONE! I am done being positive. I am done trying to maintain a smile when all I want to do is cry. I am done listening to others telling me to "hang on, she'll be home in no time" I miss my old life. The one where my mom was here and I was still having a healthy pregnancy. The one where I was a fun mom and a happy wife. The life where my biggest worry was getting the laundry done or figuring out what was for dinner. I want it back. I want so much. So much that is out of my control. I want my mom back. I want Lucy out of the hospital. I want to feel that joy I felt inside of me for so long. Yes I know I am depressed and I realize that this to will pass and in about 6 months I will read this and think how silly it was to be so negative. But this is the truth of what is happening right now. Right now at this moment I have had it. No mother should have to have their child in a hospital. No mother should have to explain to her other children the whys and hows and whatifs of having a premature sister. I should be 37 weeks pregnant. I should be fat and uncomfortable and great with child. Unfortunately that is not what is happening. It is time for us to take Lucy home, it is time for me to embrace this new life without my mom and dealing with a premature baby. It is just time for me to be the mother that I was meant to be to my sweet Lucy.

timing

Press play and listen while you read

On Christmas Eve of 2010 my mom became very sick. It just so happened that our priest was already coming over to do the anointing of the sick for her. It is a Catholic thing. Basically he says some special prayers and blesses her with oil. My dad, my godparents and myself sat in the room while he spoke to her. My sisters ipod was playing softly in the background, it was on shuffle. As we started praying the Our Father this song came on. It was perfectly timed. It took my breath away. I started to cry silently. I watched my mom she looked so peaceful. I listened to the song, each word seemed to be written for her. My mom had always loved the Beatles, as most children of the 60's did. The song ended just as the Priest ended his prayers. The ipod stopped playing. All by itself. It's almost as if it was out of a movie. At that moment I stopped trying to figure out what was happening. I just had to "let it be". The answer was not what I wanted, but it was what was supposed to happen. I do believe that when that song came on it was the best Christmas present I could have ever gotten.

The other night I was driving home with the kids, they were drifting asleep. My mom was on mind, I was thinking of all the things I wanted to tell her. I want to tell her about Lucy and how amazing she is, or how Brady figured out how to finally write his name or how well the girls are reading. I had my ipod playing on shuffle and "let it be" came on. I hadn't heard it since that day. I started weeping. Kara was still awake and asked what was wrong. I told her this story. She started crying as well. I told her I believed this song will pop up in our lives when we need it most, just like my mom always had.

perspective

Last Monday I attended the funeral for Allie Greene. She was only 31 and passed away from Colon Cancer. Gone way too soon. Her husband Brian has been a friend of mine for years. They were only married for just under 6 years. Their story had just begun. It was cut too short. Life is too short. At the funeral Brian said something that has stuck with me and has changed my perspective on things. He said "now that Allie is in heaven she is cancer free" It is true. Now that my mom is gone she will never ever have to battle that horribly ugly disease. She is forever cancer free. What a great thought. I have been trying to look at things differently. Trying to turn my view of things in a different direction. Yes it is incredibly hard having Lucy in the hospital and visiting her day after day, but at least she is still here. And by the grace of God she will be home in a month. Some mothers don't get to take their babies home. That crushes me the thought of that. Yes I am devastated that my mom died and I am left her at 31 without a mom, but Rylie Greene is only 3, she will have no real clear memory of her mom. I had 31 years of memories with her. The terror that Japan is facing right now is unbelievable. I can't imagine what pain they all must be dealing with. Mothers trying to find their children, children trying to find their mothers. That is their reality now and it is a nightmare. My reality is not a nightmare. It is just a little hard. We will make it through. We are making a donation to the Red Cross, I urge you to do the same. I also challenge you to change your perspective on your life. It is so easy to feel sorry for yourself and the tough things life throws at you, but try and see things differently you might be surprised at how much better you feel.

tenacious

The last 5 days have made my head spin. My heart literally stopped on Thursday, the fear that gripped me then is still lingering now but it has subsided considerably. Lucy has made a complete turn around. She really amazes me. She is strong. She is mighty. She is showing me her true colors already. She is only 7 weeks old and I am learning so much about her. She won't let anything keep her down for long. Even the doctor is impressed with her progress. They still are unsure as to what exactly she was sick with but they know that the anti biotic are working. She is off the vent and back on the nasal cannula. Her vital signs are back to normal. Our prayers were answered. The miracle of medicine and God have shown there power again in our lives. Lucy is tenacious, she everything I hope to be. I can't wait to see her grow and thrive.

On a completely separate topic my sister has a blog. It is awesome. Her blog is funny and a great break from this depressing blog. Check her out, you won't be disappointed: Can of Cheese

restored

Yesterday I was apart of something amazing. Yesterday my faith was restored. My faith in miracles, in humanity, in believing in the possibility of good. Read the following article and I dare you to not be moved to believe.

Brad Paisley answers Facebook request to honor OC woman | allie, brian, paisley - News - The Orange County Register

derailed

Yesterday was horrible. Quite possibly the worst day I have ever had. Lucy has been doing so well. Gaining weight, less and less apnea episodes, eating well. No major problems. Life was starting to take a turn for the better. Then this roller coaster we are currently on derailed. It went flying off the tracks and crashed. Here is what went down yesterday:

10:30 pm: (Wednesday night) Mike and I visit Lucy, she is doing great. We were both able to hold her, snuggle her and kiss her. She was thriving just like she should.

7:00 am: I call the NICU like I do every morning to see how Lucy's night went. The nurse tells me to call back because the doctor was examining her and he didn't have a report yet.

8:30am; I call back. They tell me Lucy was having lots of apnea spells (where she stops breathing) and they needed to put her back on CPAP. They also informed me that she needed another blood transfusion (this is number 4) because she is anemic.

10:30 am: Mike and I go and visit Lucy. Even though she was on the CPAP she looked okay. They had started the blood transfusion. She was crying and pretty much pissed off that she had to be back on that machine and had IVs in both arms. All things considered she was doing okay.

2:15 pm: Picking the girls up from school my phone rings and it was the doctor. Lucy was not doing well. She started having more apnea episodes and they had to put her on a ventilator. At this point I started freaking out.

3:30 pm: I arrive at the hospital while Mike stays with the kids. I walk in to find 3 respiratory therapists, 2 nurses and the doctor all swirling around Lucy. I just sat down and sobbed. There was nothing I could do for my sweet baby. They informed me that she has some sort of infection and they are trying to determine where it is.

4:45 pm: I step out of the NICU to try and calm myself down. Mike meets me and we go back in.

5:00 pm: They had to switch the vent machine because the first one wasn't working for her. They had her at the highest settings and 100% oxygen. The doctor informed us that this was the most they could do for Lucy. Basically we were up against a wall and there was nothing else we could do except wait and see if any of this would help her.

6:30 - 8:00 pm: The NICU unit does a shift change and parents are not allowed in there. Mike and I sit directly outside of the NICU door and impatiently wait for 8:00pm.

8:01pm: We go back in. Lucy's heart rate was high, in the 200s usually it's in the 140s. Her oxygen was at 85% and the settings were still high. Her blood gases were coming back high. The doctor again just told us to wait. That it takes at least 3 days for the anti-biotic to take effect. They gave her a dose of morphine to sedate her and hopefully bring her heart rate down and let her relax.

9:30 pm: We leave the NICU to go home and update the family. The entire time we were gone I was so scared my phone would ring and they would tell us something terrible again.

11:00 pm: We return to the NICU and the mood had changed. It seemed calmer. Her oxygen intake was down to 30% and they were able to lower some of her settings on the vent. Her heart rate had gone back down to the normal range and she wasn't having any apnea spells. We started to slowly begin to breath again.

2:00 am: We return home to get some rest.

10:30 am: We return to the NICU. Lucy was stable. Her oxygen was up to 50%. Everything else was pretty much the same. Head ultrasound showed no bleeding in her brain, which is really good. They stopped the morphine and the anti-biotic were starting to take effect. The doctor informed us that there was some sort of bacteria in her blood and because of that they are going to have to perform a spinal tap in the next couple of days to check for meningitis.

12:30 pm: We leave the NICU, dazed and confused.

4:30 pm: Talk to the nurse and she informed us that her oxygen is down to 25% and she is still stable.

I now officially know what worried sick means. The doctors and nurses insist that this is common in most preemies like Lucy. To me this is anything but common. This is hell. This is all backwards. I am scared to death. In the blink of an eye everything changed. I am so worried that we won't get back on track (even though again they assure us she will start to do better by the end of the week) I just have to get through today. Tomorrow is out of my control. Lucy is a fighter though, that is for sure. She is teaching me to stay strong. She is teaching everyone that, because no matter how small you are you can overcome even in the darkest moments.

believe

My old friend lost his beautiful wife to cancer this week. She was only 31, gone too soon. They have a beautiful daughter who is only 3. She really was an amazing woman. I didn't know her well but every time I saw her she was always smiling, always beautiful. My heart breaks for this family. Share this video and maybe her dream will come true!