Monday, May 7, 2012


The thing about death is it can make you very negative.  About everything.  A person you loved so dear has been taken from you and you will never get to see them again here on earth.  That sucks.  A piece of your heart has been removed and gone with your loved one.  You don't feel like yourself.  There are times when everything and everyone seems to be against you.  But the thing is you have a choice.  To view life now that it has changed as a negative experience or a as a positive one.  It has been 16 months since my mom died and 2 weeks since my father in law died.  I have a first hand experience as to how quickly life can change.  You blink and what you thought was normal has now been flipped upside down and shaken up.  But I know that being negative about death and the impact it has had on my life is not how I want to spend my days.  There is a big difference between being sad and being negative.  It is normal to feel sad, it is healthy to cry and mourn and grieve.  It will benefit you to feel all those horrible emotions of grief.  It will not benefit you to let death change you for the worse.  For some reason this is the way my life has gone, death of my mom when I was only 30 years old, 2 weeks later the birth of my daughter at 26 weeks and then just 16 months later the death of my father in law.  It makes me wonder what will come next.  I made a promise to myself after my mom died and now I am making that promise again.

I promise to smile and laugh everyday.  At least once a day.  I will hug more.  I will say I love you always.  I will talk about my mom and now father in law everyday to my children so they feel that they are still here.  I will not let the little things that others do be my focus.  I will live in the present.  I will treat each day as if it were my last.  I will thank God every morning for letting me be here one more day with my family.

Don't let negative things change you for the worse, let it change you in a positive beautiful way.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


It was like any other Satuday morning. I had just gone out into the garage to do laundry. All of a sudden my husband came running out with the most paniked look on his face. I ran over to him and asked what was wrong. His answer, "Matty just dads not breathing....he's not breathing" All I could respond with is "what?!" over and over again.  Luckily my friend had just arrived at our house (she and i had plans to go out), we left the kids with her and drove over to my in laws home. When we arrived the paramedics had just left with him to take him to the er. We headed there. When we arrived, it was us, my mother in law, and my brother in law. We all stood there and watched as firefighters worked so hard to save his life. It was crazy. After about an 1 hour they stopped.

My father in law died at 62 from a heart attack. No warning signs. Nothing. Just gone.

We are shocked, devestated and heartbroken. My kids have lost, honestly THE BEST PA EVER!

My father in law was more than an in law to me. He was my 2nd dad. He loved me as his own. He always told me he loved me. He always greeted me with a hug.  He never told the kids no. He was so proud of them. He was Lucys biggest cheerleader. He was my husbands best friend.  He was my mother in laws soul mate.  

There is a hole in my heart that my father in law filled. Our life this last year has been anything but easy, but we have forged on. Smiling along the way. This has knocked us down.  I am struggling trying to stand back up.

Today Kara was very sad.  I went up to her room to check on her. She was hysterical.  She said she was talking to grammy and pa in heaven and asking them to come back one more time. She just wanted to hug them one more time. She was begging me to make this happen. I wish I could, oh I wish I could,