unprepared

This Christmas I had a plan in my head how everything would go. Christmas Eve, also known as my moms birthday, we were going to go over to my parents home for some yummy brunch cooked up by my hubby and I. That went as planned. Then the plan was to go to Christmas Eve mass with my parents and sister and then over to my in-laws for present opening fun. Here's what really happened: My mom was very confused and disoriented. Her legs and feet were swollen as well as her neck. We all became very concerned. She was also having trouble breathing. It was decided that we would take her to the emergency room. Once there and having her go through numerous tests it was determined that she had pneumonia. It was also detriment that her cancer had spread. Growing at a very aggressive rate. My mom spent her birthday (Christmas Eve) and Christmas Day in a hospital bed. She is still there today. All the plans I had dreamed in my head about one last beautiful Christmas had gone out the window. The doctor came in this morning and went over another scan she had last night and he said the cancer is just too aggressive and treatment is really not working. They are giving her 2-4 weeks. People keep telling me to get prepared. Get prepared for what? How can I prepare for my mom dying? I just can't. There is no right way to grieve. I just know that a world without my mom is something I don't want to prepare myself for. I can't imagine what it's going to be like nor do I want to. I am dumbfounded. Life has reached in and grabbed my heart and it is literally breaking. Breaking for my dad, breaking for my children, breaking for my unborn baby girl who will never get to meet her Grammy, breaking for my sister, breaking for myself. I am completely 100% unprepared for this change in life.

lp

Like I said before music is something that I can relate to more than anything, more than books or sometimes even people. This song seems to sing to me. I'm sure it's about a breakup, but there are a couple of lines in the song that sum up how I am feeling right now. For example,"Waiting for the end to come, wishing I had strength to stand this is not what I had planned, it's out of my control", "All I want to do is trade this life for something new, holding on to what I haven't got" and "the hardest part of ending is starting again" Think about those lyrics. They are pretty fitting when it comes to loosing someone so close to you. This song really takes my breath away. Turn it up loud. What does it make you feel? Oh and seriously watching Mike Shinoda sing never ever gets old.

P.S: Has this become the most depressing blog EVER? Let me know. My vote is for yes.

support

In life when hard times hits us you truly find who your friends are. It is a tough lesson but one that in the end is much appreciated. Friends support in different ways. I have the friends who are calling everyday to see how I am doing, and I love that. Friends who I was close with years ago and have lost contact with but write me sweet words of encouragement, amazingly helpful words. I have the friends who keep their distance but I know that if I ever needed them they would be there in a heartbeat. I think what I appreciate the most is the quite support. I had a friend at work who asked me how I was doing and then started crying before I could even answer. She apologized for not asking more but she felt so sad about what I am going through that she didn't know how to ask or help me. The thing is I know she is there for me. Even without her asking. That to me is more comforting. To be honest the majority of the time I don't want to answer questions or talk about my mom or how I am feeling, selfish? Yes. But it is my way to survive each day with as much normalcy as possible. Then there are the people who I reefer to as wolves. The ones who come out of nowhere and try and feast on your sorrows. They are the worst. Contacting you or your loved ones/husband, trying to squeeze their way into your life. I try and keep the wolves out of my life. I cherish each friendship I have and I am thankful I have friends who can lift me up through the dark times and dance through the bright times.

spots

Everyday I have tried to find the bright spot in my day. At night I pray for my mom to do the same. Some days are easier than others. Last Sunday Brady, my son, had a recital at school. Brady is 4, he is also extremely funny and shy. My mom came to the recital, I was having a hard time watching the recital because I was concerned about my moms comfort level. Then a bright spot appeared. Brady all of a sudden ran down from the stage came running over to me, climbing over people just to ask if when he was all done could he get a cookie. Everybody laughed, I cried. Not because I was sad but because my son did something so out of character that I was able to see that bright spot. The happy in my day. Today my spot came when my daughter told me if I sang during her Christmas performance at church everybody would say "who is that crazy lady" and she didn't want anybody thinking that I was crazy. I am enjoying the bright spots, hoping that there are more everyday. I guess I am just hoping that I notice them and not overlook them, because they are there, I just need to look.

florence

So lets change things up a bit. This blog is feeling a bit depressing. I have a love affair with music. It really helps me get through everything in my life, the good and the bad. Every event in my life I have paired up with a song or band. Right now my main squeeze is Florence + The Machine. AMAZING!!! You must go out and buy the album Lungs. Seriously. Her voice is beautiful. Her lyrics are raw and haunting and spot on. This song is the last on her album Lungs. It took my breath away. Instantly I thought of my husband. He is my rock. Through everything in our lives together he has been my source of strength. Especially now. Listen to the lyrics. Feel her voice. I hope it will make you think of someone who gives you all the love you need.

fragile

So we finally got the final diagnosis. Not Metastatic Breast Cancer. Oh no something much more random of course, my mom has been diagnosed with Metastatic Melanoma, that has spread through her bones, liver, pancreas and brain. Wow. That is all I can think. How did this happen? She did not have any signs of Melanoma. She is in the small percentage, about 5%, of people who have this type of cancer that have no lesions that show up on the skin. It all still feels so unreal, raw. Having this happen to my mom has made me think about life differently. Life is fragile. Yet I treat it differently. I was thinking about how when I order something, take for instance my favorite bowls from Anthropologie, I unwrap them carefully. Taking in the words fragile written on the box. Placing each and every bowl slowly in the cupboard. Every time I use one I take precautions. But with life I forget how fragile we all are. How in the blink of an eye life can get turned upside down and broken. I feel foolish for thinking that nothing as scary as this would happen to my family. To my little safe warm world. What I have learned in the past 4 weeks is to take each day and cherish it. Hug tighter and longer. Say I love you as much as you can. Let go of people who are weighing you down and lift up the ones who hold you up. I urge who ever reads this to do the same. Go give your kids one more hug tonight. Kiss your loved one for no reason. Call your mom and dad and just say Hi. Because life is fragile and we should treat it that way.

thankful

I am thankful. Everyday I am thankful for my children. For my husband. My beautiful friends. My sister. My Mom and Dad. I am thankful for the beautiful baby girl that is growing and kicking inside of me. I am thankful for my job. I am thankful for my home. I am thankful to have a food in my fridge. I am thankful for my in-laws. I am thankful for this life that lately has really been difficult, but still beautiful. This Thanksgiving I am focusing on the positive. Trying to push out all the negative thoughts. Thankful to have another Thanksgiving with my family. For it is true that tomorrow is never promised and to have a tomorrow is always something to be thankful for.

climbing

It's beginning to feel a lot like groundhog day around here. Not Christmas. Everyday I wake up and it's the same feeling. I feel scared, lost, worried, hopeful, optimistic. Everyday is some more news from the doctor. None of it good. How can that be? How can 2 weeks ago everything be "normal"? My good friend said something that I have been thinking about everyday. She said what I am going through is like climbing a tree. Deciding which branch to cling to. Do I climb onto the one where the reality of loosing my mom sits. Do I climb to the one where hope and optimism sit. Do I climb to the one where I close my eyes and hope it all goes away. I haven't made it to the branches yet in my climb. I am not nearly as angry as I was 2 weeks ago. The baby growing inside of me is a great distraction. Somebody asked me if I am mad at God. I feel torn. When I think about my mom and the reality of what lies ahead, yes I do feel anger. Then at that exact moment that I start to feel anger I feel my sweet baby girl kick inside of me. Then I feel gratefulness to God for this blessing. God is testing me. I am not sure if I will pass. I know that I will keep climbing towards a branch on my tree that will give me strength and grace.

surprise

I would have bet money that we were having a boy. I would have bet our brand new beautiful car that we were going to have a boy. I have never been wrong with guessing the sex of our babies. Even when I was pregnant with the twins I knew they were girls. Same with our son. I was wrong. I was so wonderfully, beautifully wrong. We are having a girl. A sweet baby girl to bring joy into our hearts and love into our arms. We are over the moon excited. The kids are equally excited, Brady is most excited because he didn't want to share his toys with a brother. Now he will have 3 sisters fussing over him, oh he will be in heaven. God has a plan here, what is I can't even begin to tell you. But as for now I like his plan with another girl for our growing family. Now all we need is good news. My mom meets with her doctor tomorrow (appointment was changed because they scheduled a PET scan for this morning) All I am praying for is at least one piece of really REALLY good news. I don't think that is too much to ask for.

range

On Tuesday we find out the sex of the baby. On Wednesday we find out just where my moms cancer has spread. The range of emotions I am feeling about this week is overwhelming to say the least. I can't wait for Tuesday but I would love to just skip over Wednesday. I am finding that everyday I am reacting differently to my new reality. On Thursday we took the kids to see Megamind, I yelled at the teenage pimpled faced boy who insisted that I needed to turn my 3d glasses in in order to use the bathroom. Normally I would have been happy to oblige, but my hormones and sadness took over and I yelled at him. This is not like me. I felt terrible. I ended up crying in the bathroom for a 1/2 hour. Friday proved to be better. I felt more optimistic. Saturday was back to feeling sad and hopeless. Today I feel somewhere in the middle. I am finding that I have to take the day on minute by minute. I have to allow myself the right to be sad, angry, hopeful, optimistic, scared. I can only be in control of my emotions for so long. Trying to resist the urge to cry or feel scared is really just delaying the fact that later I will feel that way. So bring on the week ahead. The good and the bad, possibly it could be good and good. And I apologize for anyone who gets in my way when my hormones are running me, I am not in control.

life

Life presents itself differently everyday. For me, my experience has been life is joyous and exciting or overwhelming and scary. I have never experienced the two at the same time. Of course there has been the days where the good mixes with the bad, but never to the extreme of what is happening right now. The Joy: I am 5 months pregnant! The Sorrow: My mother has just been diagnosed with Metastatic Breast Cancer. How can God raise my family up the way he has with the miracle of life only to come 5 months later and knock it all down. I am mad. I am so fucking mad. My mother has already been through breast cancer once. 4 years ago she was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. She had a double mastectomy and went through chemo and radiation. Everything looked great. She fought the hell out of cancer and it looked like she had won. Now 3 years after treatment they have found that cancer has spread to her lower spine. They see spots on her femur (both) pelvic bone and upper rib. She is having test after test to determine where exactly it has spread to know what kind of treatment to give her. Life is just not fair. But at the same time, with a baby growing inside my belly I feel like a hypocrite saying that. We have wanted this baby for 3 years. It took 3 years to finally be blessed. So when I think about our sweet growing baby I fall back in love with life. Life is bi-polar. The intensity of emotions I am feeling is insane. Just like life. Maybe this is really what it's like and I have just been lucky to only experience Joy and Sorrow separately instead of together. Maybe it's like John Lennon and Paul McCartney, apart they are good but together they are great. I am praying for a miracle here. I am praying that our baby can withstand the anger that is pulsing through me. I am praying that my mom has enough fight in her to kick this cancers ass. I am praying that I find the strength to really believe my prayers are being heard. I am praying that life takes an anti-depressant and chills out for a bit.