Monday, November 22, 2010
It's beginning to feel a lot like groundhog day around here. Not Christmas. Everyday I wake up and it's the same feeling. I feel scared, lost, worried, hopeful, optimistic. Everyday is some more news from the doctor. None of it good. How can that be? How can 2 weeks ago everything be "normal"? My good friend said something that I have been thinking about everyday. She said what I am going through is like climbing a tree. Deciding which branch to cling to. Do I climb onto the one where the reality of loosing my mom sits. Do I climb to the one where hope and optimism sit. Do I climb to the one where I close my eyes and hope it all goes away. I haven't made it to the branches yet in my climb. I am not nearly as angry as I was 2 weeks ago. The baby growing inside of me is a great distraction. Somebody asked me if I am mad at God. I feel torn. When I think about my mom and the reality of what lies ahead, yes I do feel anger. Then at that exact moment that I start to feel anger I feel my sweet baby girl kick inside of me. Then I feel gratefulness to God for this blessing. God is testing me. I am not sure if I will pass. I know that I will keep climbing towards a branch on my tree that will give me strength and grace.