Friday, November 12, 2010
Life presents itself differently everyday. For me, my experience has been life is joyous and exciting or overwhelming and scary. I have never experienced the two at the same time. Of course there has been the days where the good mixes with the bad, but never to the extreme of what is happening right now. The Joy: I am 5 months pregnant! The Sorrow: My mother has just been diagnosed with Metastatic Breast Cancer. How can God raise my family up the way he has with the miracle of life only to come 5 months later and knock it all down. I am mad. I am so fucking mad. My mother has already been through breast cancer once. 4 years ago she was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. She had a double mastectomy and went through chemo and radiation. Everything looked great. She fought the hell out of cancer and it looked like she had won. Now 3 years after treatment they have found that cancer has spread to her lower spine. They see spots on her femur (both) pelvic bone and upper rib. She is having test after test to determine where exactly it has spread to know what kind of treatment to give her. Life is just not fair. But at the same time, with a baby growing inside my belly I feel like a hypocrite saying that. We have wanted this baby for 3 years. It took 3 years to finally be blessed. So when I think about our sweet growing baby I fall back in love with life. Life is bi-polar. The intensity of emotions I am feeling is insane. Just like life. Maybe this is really what it's like and I have just been lucky to only experience Joy and Sorrow separately instead of together. Maybe it's like John Lennon and Paul McCartney, apart they are good but together they are great. I am praying for a miracle here. I am praying that our baby can withstand the anger that is pulsing through me. I am praying that my mom has enough fight in her to kick this cancers ass. I am praying that I find the strength to really believe my prayers are being heard. I am praying that life takes an anti-depressant and chills out for a bit.