Wednesday, August 31, 2011


When I was a little girl my mom loved the Pointer Sisters. They were pretty great I must admit. But I remember my mom would blast "I'm so Excited" as loud as she could in our Astro van and I would hide. I would slump as far down as I could in my seat and beg for her to stop. She would just turn it up louder. I couldn't understand why she would want to embarrass me this way. Now that I am a mother it all makes perfect sense. It's not so much that she wanted to embarrass me but she truly loved that song and she was having fun dancing and watching me cringe. I do it now with my kids and while they are still pretty good sports and will typically dance along with me there have been a few times when they have tried to hide from my embarrassing behavior. While watching the VMAs the other night, and feeling very old while watching, I mean what the hell is up with Lady Gaga, to me she is not original, just annoying. Also Katy Perry and Niki Minaj, both are pretty girls but why oh why are they dressed like a 3 year old on Halloween. I started to grow tired of watching the show and then came Beyonce. Oh I love Beyonce. I have since high school. "Freakum dress" should win awards. She is amazing. She is classy, She is beautiful. She has REAL talent. Then she performed her song and it brought me back to the 80's. Sitting in the car with my mom and dying while she rocked out. I realized that "Love on Top" will be the song that I will take it to the next level and make all my kids duck for cover. I mean with a song that makes you smile the whole way through you can't help but shake your body and sing at the top of your lungs. So thank you mom for teaching me about the great art of car dancing.

Monday, August 1, 2011


7 months have passed since my whole world came crashing down. I for some reason thought that I wouldn't still feel the gut wrenching pain i felt that day, but it is still there. The more time that passes without her here the more my heart aches for her. Lucy will be baptized soon and I am having a hard time planning it without her. She always wanted to invite everyone to big events like this and I would butt heads with her because I like things more intimate. But in the end she always won. This time I don't have to invite anyone if I don't want to. Although i find myself hearing her voice telling me to invite anyone and everyone. She just loved to show off her grandchildren.

I find myself totally immersing myself in things to just keep busy. My house has never been so clean. The minute I stop moving is when I feel that sadness creep in and my mind is flooded with grief. Sundays was always my day with her. My husband works on Sundays so I would head over to her house and just hang out. I used to not mind Sundays, now i could really just skip the whole day.

The year markers are slowly starting to make their way into my life. It was a year ago that we took a last minute trip up to big bear, just the kids myself and my mom. It will be a year since we took a trip up to San Fran to visit my sister. It will be a year in September when she first started complaining about back pain. And then comes a year from when everything spiraled out of control. I know i will get through all of those dates with prayer, the support of family and friends.

In the meantime I am enjoying summer time with the kids. Lazy mornings. Otterpop afternoons. Bowling, the beach, reading, brownies, dinner with friends and playdates. Summer reminds that life goes on. It doesn't stop just because I am sad. At times I wish I could hide under the covers but I am blessed with 4 children who want to hang out and lift my spirits with every smile.