7

7 months have passed since my whole world came crashing down. I for some reason thought that I wouldn't still feel the gut wrenching pain i felt that day, but it is still there. The more time that passes without her here the more my heart aches for her. Lucy will be baptized soon and I am having a hard time planning it without her. She always wanted to invite everyone to big events like this and I would butt heads with her because I like things more intimate. But in the end she always won. This time I don't have to invite anyone if I don't want to. Although i find myself hearing her voice telling me to invite anyone and everyone. She just loved to show off her grandchildren.

I find myself totally immersing myself in things to just keep busy. My house has never been so clean. The minute I stop moving is when I feel that sadness creep in and my mind is flooded with grief. Sundays was always my day with her. My husband works on Sundays so I would head over to her house and just hang out. I used to not mind Sundays, now i could really just skip the whole day.

The year markers are slowly starting to make their way into my life. It was a year ago that we took a last minute trip up to big bear, just the kids myself and my mom. It will be a year since we took a trip up to San Fran to visit my sister. It will be a year in September when she first started complaining about back pain. And then comes a year from when everything spiraled out of control. I know i will get through all of those dates with prayer, the support of family and friends.

In the meantime I am enjoying summer time with the kids. Lazy mornings. Otterpop afternoons. Bowling, the beach, reading, brownies, dinner with friends and playdates. Summer reminds that life goes on. It doesn't stop just because I am sad. At times I wish I could hide under the covers but I am blessed with 4 children who want to hang out and lift my spirits with every smile.