Monday, December 27, 2010
This Christmas I had a plan in my head how everything would go. Christmas Eve, also known as my moms birthday, we were going to go over to my parents home for some yummy brunch cooked up by my hubby and I. That went as planned. Then the plan was to go to Christmas Eve mass with my parents and sister and then over to my in-laws for present opening fun. Here's what really happened: My mom was very confused and disoriented. Her legs and feet were swollen as well as her neck. We all became very concerned. She was also having trouble breathing. It was decided that we would take her to the emergency room. Once there and having her go through numerous tests it was determined that she had pneumonia. It was also detriment that her cancer had spread. Growing at a very aggressive rate. My mom spent her birthday (Christmas Eve) and Christmas Day in a hospital bed. She is still there today. All the plans I had dreamed in my head about one last beautiful Christmas had gone out the window. The doctor came in this morning and went over another scan she had last night and he said the cancer is just too aggressive and treatment is really not working. They are giving her 2-4 weeks. People keep telling me to get prepared. Get prepared for what? How can I prepare for my mom dying? I just can't. There is no right way to grieve. I just know that a world without my mom is something I don't want to prepare myself for. I can't imagine what it's going to be like nor do I want to. I am dumbfounded. Life has reached in and grabbed my heart and it is literally breaking. Breaking for my dad, breaking for my children, breaking for my unborn baby girl who will never get to meet her Grammy, breaking for my sister, breaking for myself. I am completely 100% unprepared for this change in life.