done

It has been over 10 weeks since Lucy was born. That is 10 weeks of driving back and forth to the hospital. 10 weeks of anxiety and fear every time I call or enter the NICU. 10 weeks of not living at our home. 10 weeks of dealing with questions and not having the answers. 10 weeks and I am DONE! I am done being positive. I am done trying to maintain a smile when all I want to do is cry. I am done listening to others telling me to "hang on, she'll be home in no time" I miss my old life. The one where my mom was here and I was still having a healthy pregnancy. The one where I was a fun mom and a happy wife. The life where my biggest worry was getting the laundry done or figuring out what was for dinner. I want it back. I want so much. So much that is out of my control. I want my mom back. I want Lucy out of the hospital. I want to feel that joy I felt inside of me for so long. Yes I know I am depressed and I realize that this to will pass and in about 6 months I will read this and think how silly it was to be so negative. But this is the truth of what is happening right now. Right now at this moment I have had it. No mother should have to have their child in a hospital. No mother should have to explain to her other children the whys and hows and whatifs of having a premature sister. I should be 37 weeks pregnant. I should be fat and uncomfortable and great with child. Unfortunately that is not what is happening. It is time for us to take Lucy home, it is time for me to embrace this new life without my mom and dealing with a premature baby. It is just time for me to be the mother that I was meant to be to my sweet Lucy.