Thursday, May 26, 2011


My daughters are so full of questions when it comes to death. I don't blame them I am just as curious as to what happens after you die. It breaks my heart though that at 6 years old they are having to comprehend such heavy thoughts. They ask what is heaven like? Can Grammy see us right now? Does Grammy look the same? Will she come back and visit us? I had received a book after my mom passed, it is called "The next life" It is beautifully written. I don't know who sent it to us. But about a week after my mom had died we received that book with a few others. I was irritated at the thought of having to read these books. It really made me mad. So I shoved them deep in a closet and forgot all about them until the other day when Lily was having a particularly hard time. She was missing my mom so much and I was not finding the words she needed to comfort her. I remembered those books and dug them out of the closet. I started to read "The next life" and I tried my hardest to get through it without crying, which is impossible by the way. But it states some really wonderful thoughts. It talks about your spirit dancing above. How when we die we are more happy than ever. There is no sadness, no pain. It seemed to help the girls and myself. I often worry that the older kids will look back on their childhood and think that all their mother did was cry for a whole year. I try hard to hold back my tears and be strong for them but at times it is impossible. I miss my mom. I find myself longing for the past to be the present. I have been trying to find small signs that she is still her with us in the present. There have been two that really made my heart skip a beat. The first was the day Lucy came home from the hospital. I was in the kitchen making the kids breakfast and getting ready to go to the NICU. Something caught my eye outside. I looked and saw a giant Monarch butterfly wings spread and perched so perfectly on our umbrella. I slowly walked outside to take a better looks. It was beautiful. It laid so still that I thought for a moment it might be dead. I called for the kids to come and look. They all came out and were ohhhing and ahhhing at the beauty. All of a sudden the butterfly took off and flew right over my head touching the top of it. Like a little kiss. I do believe in my heart that that was some sign from my mom. The second sign came on Mothers Day. My dad and I had planted Gardenias and Hydrangeas in my front yard. Those were my moms favorites and I wanted to have something pretty to look at and think happy thoughts of her. I was anxiously awaiting the first bloom from the Gardenias. On Mothers Day I went outside to water my flowers and low and behold there was one perfectly bloomed gardenia. It had opened over night. It made me smile and changed my whole attitude that day. It is little things like that, that make me think that she is still in some way able to communicate with us. And that gives me great hope and comfort.


  1. Those are beautiful signs. I don't think there is anything wrong with you crying in front of the kids. If you do, what they will probably remember is you sitting with them and talking about your feelings with them, as you said you are doing. That is what they will remember.

    Their beautiful Mama being the wonderful empathetic person she is, and they will treasure that.

    6 years old is just old enough to remember. My Mom's mom died when I was 3, I think. I don't have any memories of it.

    Sam is 5 and she talks about the deaths of our dogs and cat all the time but she is not 'sad' about it now. She just likes to talk about them and remember them.

  2. I understand your position.

    I have consistently worried about having a child due to the reason of determining what I will and wont tell them (ie. my belief 9/11 was an inside job).

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  3. this is beautiful.
    just like your heart.