thoughts

*School has started and while I have enjoyed the routine that fall brings I am tired, oh so tired. Staying home is a lot more exhausting than I could have ever imagined.

*Sometimes when I hear other women complain about their moms I want to slap them. For reals. Look I know I did it, we all do, but I just want to scream in their faces and say you are so lucky to still have a mom to complain about!

* I still cry like a baby when I think about my mom. Is that normal?

*Lucy amazes me everyday. How did I get so blessed with such a sweet baby? She looks at me with her big blue eyes and I just melt. She is starting to sit up, roll over and hold things and bring then up to her mouth. Amazing I tell you!

*Is it thanksgiving break yet?

*Today I went to tjmaxx I found a spirograph. I was so excited! I bought it for the kids, but between you and me, guess who will really be playing with it tonight after bedtime?

*My friends baby is very sick, he needs a bone marrow transplant. Please sign up at bethematch.org Please! You could be the one that saves this sweet babies life!

*Fall TV is back and I am in heaven. Hello parenthood, the office, sunny in philidelphia and parks and rec.

*I meant to put the pictures after this silly post but instead it's like this and I don't have the time to figure out how to fix it.

*Pictures in order
Stair fort hours of fun for a little boy
Back to school feast
Lego army built by a very creative little boy, they make me smile
Worlds happiest baby

*Have a happy weekend!

circle

When I was a little girl my mom loved the Pointer Sisters. They were pretty great I must admit. But I remember my mom would blast "I'm so Excited" as loud as she could in our Astro van and I would hide. I would slump as far down as I could in my seat and beg for her to stop. She would just turn it up louder. I couldn't understand why she would want to embarrass me this way. Now that I am a mother it all makes perfect sense. It's not so much that she wanted to embarrass me but she truly loved that song and she was having fun dancing and watching me cringe. I do it now with my kids and while they are still pretty good sports and will typically dance along with me there have been a few times when they have tried to hide from my embarrassing behavior. While watching the VMAs the other night, and feeling very old while watching, I mean what the hell is up with Lady Gaga, to me she is not original, just annoying. Also Katy Perry and Niki Minaj, both are pretty girls but why oh why are they dressed like a 3 year old on Halloween. I started to grow tired of watching the show and then came Beyonce. Oh I love Beyonce. I have since high school. "Freakum dress" should win awards. She is amazing. She is classy, She is beautiful. She has REAL talent. Then she performed her song and it brought me back to the 80's. Sitting in the car with my mom and dying while she rocked out. I realized that "Love on Top" will be the song that I will take it to the next level and make all my kids duck for cover. I mean with a song that makes you smile the whole way through you can't help but shake your body and sing at the top of your lungs. So thank you mom for teaching me about the great art of car dancing.

2011 VMA - Music - Beyoncé

moments

found on pinterest.com

7

7 months have passed since my whole world came crashing down. I for some reason thought that I wouldn't still feel the gut wrenching pain i felt that day, but it is still there. The more time that passes without her here the more my heart aches for her. Lucy will be baptized soon and I am having a hard time planning it without her. She always wanted to invite everyone to big events like this and I would butt heads with her because I like things more intimate. But in the end she always won. This time I don't have to invite anyone if I don't want to. Although i find myself hearing her voice telling me to invite anyone and everyone. She just loved to show off her grandchildren.

I find myself totally immersing myself in things to just keep busy. My house has never been so clean. The minute I stop moving is when I feel that sadness creep in and my mind is flooded with grief. Sundays was always my day with her. My husband works on Sundays so I would head over to her house and just hang out. I used to not mind Sundays, now i could really just skip the whole day.

The year markers are slowly starting to make their way into my life. It was a year ago that we took a last minute trip up to big bear, just the kids myself and my mom. It will be a year since we took a trip up to San Fran to visit my sister. It will be a year in September when she first started complaining about back pain. And then comes a year from when everything spiraled out of control. I know i will get through all of those dates with prayer, the support of family and friends.

In the meantime I am enjoying summer time with the kids. Lazy mornings. Otterpop afternoons. Bowling, the beach, reading, brownies, dinner with friends and playdates. Summer reminds that life goes on. It doesn't stop just because I am sad. At times I wish I could hide under the covers but I am blessed with 4 children who want to hang out and lift my spirits with every smile.

flashback

For the last 6 months every once in awhile I have a very intense memory of what happened to my mom or to Lucy. I have these flashbacks mostly at night when I can't sleep. I lay there thinking about it all. My brain is still trying to process all that has happened. I am still sometimes in denial that my mom is really gone. On one particular night that I couldn't sleep I was thinking so deeply about the night I had Lucy. I got up and wrote it down. It seems to help me. To get it out. I wanted to share it here. I have no idea who reads this blog, but if by some chance there is a mother who has gone through the nightmare that is having a baby prematurely maybe my story can help in some small way. I know it helped me to read other stories of women and babies who got through such a scary dark time.


I sat there in the hospital bed listening to the sound of the baby monitor whooshing in the background. How could this be happening? I am only 26 weeks pregnant and in the next couple of hours whether I liked it or not my baby girl was going to be born. And it was all my fault. My body failed her. It decided to give up. Nothing I could do would change what was going to happen. I looked up at the ceiling hoping for some miracle. But there was no miracle. I silently started to cry. Each tear ran down my face warm with the realization that life is not fair. Just two weeks had passed since my mom had died. In this desperate hour all I wanted was my mom and that was never going to happen. The doctor walked in with this big grin on his face. He clapped his hands together and proclaimed, “Well looks like we are going to have a baby.” He seemed so excited. Acting as if I was 40 weeks along and my life wasn’t in danger. Was I missing something? Am I supposed to be celebrating? I couldn’t place my emotions. Why was this man smiling? After he left the neonatologist walked in. He was straight faced and almost pale looking. He sat down across the room and told us all that could and possibly will go wrong. He told us she might have seizures after she is born, she probably won’t be breathing they will have to intabate her, she could have bleeding in her brain which will lead to severe brain damage, she could be blind, she could have cerebral palsy and she could die. I asked him if I would hear her cry. That’s all I wanted. There is'nt a more beautiful sound than the sound of your newborn baby crying after they are born. He plainly and confidently replied “No.” I could'nt take it all in. It was too much. Why was this happening to our family? Haven’t we gone through enough? My mom suffered for 2 months. She went from walking around happy and helping to feeble and weak. Why did we need to watch another person we loved struggle to live? The next doctor that walked in informed me of how the c-section would go. He told me besides the epidural I would be receiving he was also going to place an additional IV in my arm and on in my neck. That way if my heart started to act up he could give me medication through the vein in my neck. I could'nt understand what he was saying. I just kept saying “What? What?” He just kept repeating the words, which by the third time of his explanation really started to sound like a foreign language. I closed my eyes and tried to wish it all away. At midnight I was taken down to the operating room. There was music playing in the background, the band was The Fray. I could'nt stand that band which was probably perfect that they were playing in a place that I wanted nothing to do with. The room was bright and incredibly cold. They sat me up to prep me for the epidural. All of a sudden it hit me like a semi truck and a train colliding. I looked up at the nurse, the desperation in my eyes pled with her to change this. She just held my hand tight and said, “it’s ok, keep breathing, you are going to have your baby, she needs you to be strong, don’t give up faith, now is not the time for that.” I held her gaze for a while and muttered “this is just not fair, I have no strength left, and I want to go home” They laid me down quickly and moved me onto the operation table. The curtain went up and I could no longer see my tiny belly. The doctor walked in still with that shit-eating grin on his face. He leaned over and happily said hello. If I could I would have flipped him off. The anestilologist started working on the IV in my arm. He was having a difficult time getting into the vein he wanted. The pain was becoming unbearable, he dug around inside my arm, and there was blood everywhere. I tried to focus on my baby. The doctors were talking to each other. I don’t remember a word they were saying. All of a sudden she was out, Lucy Grace was born at 12:08 am. No screaming, no noise. Nothing but deafning silence. I looked anxiously at my husband. He was standing up getting ready to go over to her. Nobody told me anything. The anest. Finally got the IV in after having to move to my other arm. He started to work on the IV in my neck. I kept trying to catch a glimpse of my sweet baby, but he kept turning my head. “Stop moving” He kept saying. I did'nt listen. I had to see her. Then like a flash they wheeled her over to me. There were tubes everywhere. All I saw was a tiny pink doll with tubes coming out her mouth. Mike looked at me and with everything he had in him he smiled. He mouthed ‘she is beautiful, I love you.” I told him to go with her. I could tell he felt torn. But I knew she needed him more. She was just ripped from her safe warm home and into a world of needles and monitors and breathing tubes and doctors. She was robbed of 13 more weeks of quiet serenity. I finally gave in to the doctor and held still as he jammed a needle down my neck. I could feel the warm blood running down my neck and onto my chest. I closed my eyes and started to fall asleep. I woke up in the elevator. I tried making small talk. I asked the doctor about his family. I wanted to pretend as if none of what just happened happened. I fell back to sleep. I woke up in the ICU. It was quiet. It felt peaceful. I was hooked up to what seemed to be 20 monitors. Most taking my blood pressure, measuring my oxygen intake, my heart rate. A nurse came in almost every 20 minutes to check something. I was in and out of sleep. I felt so foggy. It felt like half a dream and half reality.

difference

What a difference 6 months can make!

sunshine

When I start to feel really sad and gloomy inside, this little ray of sunshine reminds me that God really did know what he was doing.