signs

My daughters are so full of questions when it comes to death. I don't blame them I am just as curious as to what happens after you die. It breaks my heart though that at 6 years old they are having to comprehend such heavy thoughts. They ask what is heaven like? Can Grammy see us right now? Does Grammy look the same? Will she come back and visit us? I had received a book after my mom passed, it is called "The next life" It is beautifully written. I don't know who sent it to us. But about a week after my mom had died we received that book with a few others. I was irritated at the thought of having to read these books. It really made me mad. So I shoved them deep in a closet and forgot all about them until the other day when Lily was having a particularly hard time. She was missing my mom so much and I was not finding the words she needed to comfort her. I remembered those books and dug them out of the closet. I started to read "The next life" and I tried my hardest to get through it without crying, which is impossible by the way. But it states some really wonderful thoughts. It talks about your spirit dancing above. How when we die we are more happy than ever. There is no sadness, no pain. It seemed to help the girls and myself. I often worry that the older kids will look back on their childhood and think that all their mother did was cry for a whole year. I try hard to hold back my tears and be strong for them but at times it is impossible. I miss my mom. I find myself longing for the past to be the present. I have been trying to find small signs that she is still her with us in the present. There have been two that really made my heart skip a beat. The first was the day Lucy came home from the hospital. I was in the kitchen making the kids breakfast and getting ready to go to the NICU. Something caught my eye outside. I looked and saw a giant Monarch butterfly wings spread and perched so perfectly on our umbrella. I slowly walked outside to take a better looks. It was beautiful. It laid so still that I thought for a moment it might be dead. I called for the kids to come and look. They all came out and were ohhhing and ahhhing at the beauty. All of a sudden the butterfly took off and flew right over my head touching the top of it. Like a little kiss. I do believe in my heart that that was some sign from my mom. The second sign came on Mothers Day. My dad and I had planted Gardenias and Hydrangeas in my front yard. Those were my moms favorites and I wanted to have something pretty to look at and think happy thoughts of her. I was anxiously awaiting the first bloom from the Gardenias. On Mothers Day I went outside to water my flowers and low and behold there was one perfectly bloomed gardenia. It had opened over night. It made me smile and changed my whole attitude that day. It is little things like that, that make me think that she is still in some way able to communicate with us. And that gives me great hope and comfort.

one

Lucy has been home for 1 month. We are enjoying every minute of it. The time seems to be passing rapidly. Lucy is doing wonderfully. She is so alert. She is gaining weight like crazy, she doesn't fit into any of her preemie diapers or clothes anymore! I can't get enough snuggles with her. The kids are just enamored with her. The kisses are endless around here. And even though Mike and I are more sleep deprived than ever we couldn't be happier that our sweet girl is home with us. It gives me such hope for the future. Never give up, never stop believing. Things may seem dark and hopeless, but don't despair, you have no idea what beauty lies right around the corner.

Lucy and her sweet cousin Hazel

We also had the pleasure of getting some amazing photos done by the talented DrewB, she has given us the most beautiful gift in these pictures. I will forever treasure them! The kindness of others never ceases to amaze me. Drew is one of those people that has gone above and beyond to make us smile again. She captured our family so perfectly at this time in our lives. Thank you Drew!!! Check out the pictures here and book Drew for your next family photos, you won't be disappointed!

Those links don't seem to be working, please try here:http://blog.drewbphotography.com/

mom

Dear Mom,
Happy Mothers Day!!! I miss you so much. Your absence has created such a hole in my heart. But I think you would be proud of me. I am still getting up every morning with the kids. I still make their lunches, still give them breakfast. I still take them to school and clean the house (well I clean as best as I can, you know I am terrible at cleaning) I still make dinner and give the children showers and tuck them in at night. But with every one of those daily tasks I am still blind sided by your absence. I long to pick up the phone and call you. You know last night I made my own BBQ sauce from scratch? And it was delicious!!

Oh and if you could only see Lucy. She is such a funny baby. She is loud, sounds sort of like a little piggy. I could just hear your laughter with all her little snorts and groans. I could just imagine your arms stretched out ready to snuggle up the sweetness that embodies Lucy. You would just beam with such pride at all your grandchildren.

The girls miss you so desperately. I try and explain to them what Heaven is and why they don't have you here with them. Last night Kara asked if Jesus could come back why can't you. I don't have any good answers for them as I can't find the answers myself. I just give them hugs and cry with them.

I wonder if you knew what an impact you had on not just ours but everyones lives. So many people miss you. I hope I told you enough how much I loved you. I hope you know that you were really my best friend. I cherish every memory we made together and mourn all the memories that won't be made. I love you mom, Happy Mothers Day.
Love~ Your favorite daughter Paige

believe

It has been over 3 weeks since Lucy has been home. It has been amazing. She is the sweetest baby. I am overwhelmed with how well she is doing here at home. She is thriving. She is very alert and has started to really cry, which Mike and I are enjoying. I feel so full of hope and love when I look at Lucy. I know our family is complete. The other day we were driving over to my dads home and I looked in the back of the car and saw all 4 of my children happy. It filled my heart. I just can't stop thinking about how much my mom would have been over the moon in love with Lucy. She always had a soft spot for her grandchildren, but there is something so special about her. I'm sure it's because she is truly a miracle. She has changed not only our lives but so many others. I am still touched by the amount of kindness that is coming our way. Whether it's a beautiful blanket hand made by my parents neighbor, or packages in the mail for Lucy or pictures taken by a truly talented friend, I can't find the words to say thank you in a way that I feel is adequate. One day I hope I can pay it forward all the kind things that others have done for our family. I just hope that Lucy's story has touched people, a least one person, in a way that has helped them believe in prayer, believe in God. Because she has me believing again after all my faith was lost.


morning sister snuggle

home

After waiting patiently for 88 days Lucy is home!! I put this video together as a reminder to us and to anyone who watches this, that prayer and medicine work miracles. Share and Enjoy! Music by IZ "Somewhere over the rainbow"

lessons

So today Lucy was supposed to come home. We were all so excited. I called everyone, even asked my friend who takes amazing photos if she could come and take pictures of us leaving the NICU. Then Thursday Lucy decided she wasn't ready and started having apnea like crazy. They ended up putting her back on the cannula and stopped her feedings. Immediately I thought she was getting sick again. To say I was freaking out is an understatement. Luckily Lucy had an amazing nurse who let her rest and started feeding her again slowly and gave her some medication for some swelling she had. You see since Lucy was supposed to leave on Monday they wanted her to have her 2 month immunizations. I was hesitant from the start. I asked a million questions if it was safe for her to have the shots being she is so small and her immune system seems to be weaker than a "normal" 2 month old. They all assured me she would be ok. Well turns out she wasn't. She had a terrible reaction to the shots. It was another scary 48 hours, but we have all come out of the darkness again and she is better than ever. They are now talking again about discharging her but I am keeping my lips sealed as to when that will be. I have learned my lesson about trying to plan and control each situation. I am focusing on today. We had a fantastic day today. I was able to give Lucy a bath, feed her 2 bottles and she did great. Not one sound out of the monitor. Tomorrow might be different but I can't control that. Living for the moment is something I have never been good at, I am always worried about tomorrow or what the plan is for the future. But I am trying and today I was successful and I had a really good day!

strength

I found this poem on one of the preemie sites I visit and it gives me great comfort and strength through every step of this journey. Lucy is having a little difficulty breathing today, just a couple apnea episodes. The nurses say it's probably from her immunizations, it still raises my anxiety and makes feel like I have no control, but reading this prayer is helpful.

Premature Baby Prayer

God bless the little child behind the plastic wall. For all he knows is the ringing of the bells and the blurred images around him. He has been taken from my womb without warning and I long to hold him in my arms.

Lord, I ask in your name that my child be healed. I am willing to accept your decision no matter what it will be. I am willing to take on the responsibilities for caring for this child. I am willing to give this child love and understanding no matter the cost.

Please Lord help me to accept reality and what has happened without explanation or warning. Help me face the fact that this is not my fault and that I was given a special task to complete here on Earth.

God give my child the strength to make it through another second, minute, hour and day as each moment is a blessing and a triumph from heaven.

God, may you give the strength and compassion to the caregivers and nurses that take care of my child May you keep my child protected and free from all injury and pain.

Please take away the guilt and burden from my heart dear Lord. It is heavy and I feel it is all my fault. Take it away dear Lord. Sweet Jesus allow me the strength and understanding I need to communicate with the Doctors and Nurses.

As you see dear Lord, I am at your mercy for the life of
my child. Please leave him here on Earth and know that I will provide all the love and understanding that
this child needs. I accept the challenge and will be
your humble servant dear Lord.

-- Author unknown