beautiful

time

It has been one month since my mom passed. It has been 2 weeks since Lucy was born. Both events have rocked my world. The month of January has seemed forever. Everyday brings on new emotions and feelings. It still feels strange to not have my mom here. I went and visited her today at the cemetery. It felt weird. Not good, not bad just weird. I don't believe that she is there. I know she is in heaven. While we were there I noticed a family that had set up lawn chairs and they were just hanging out having lunch. I thought how funny it looked. Then I began to think that for them and I'm sure many others the cemetery is the closest they can be to the one they loved. My husband reminded me that I can be close with my mom like that anytime I pray or talk to her. I miss my mom. It's really hard, I'm not going to lie. Everything that Lucy is going through all I want to do is call her.

The people around us have overwhelmed us with their kindness. The girls school have set up "operation lunchbox", where families have signed up to bring lunches for the girls. They are loving it. I am feeling humbled by their giving hearts. My old friend set up a site where our friends can sign up to bring us dinners. Again I am humbled. I feel so undeserving of this generosity. Today one of Mikes friends from work came by and handed him a envelope of money. She had set up a bake sale for our Lucy. Once again we are humbled, I have no words or way to show how much we appreciate this outpouring of love. I know we will pay it forward when the time comes. I do feel in a way that my mom is behind all of this. My mom was so giving. If she were here she would be doing these things for us, instead she is guiding others to do the things she can't.

Lucy is doing amazingly well. She is off of her CPAP machine and put on a nasal cannula. They started feeding her yesterday and she is doing great, tolerating them all really well. It is hard to believe that she has only been here 2 weeks, it seems like she has been in our lives for longer. The love I feel for this sweet little girl overwhelms me every time I see her. I am so excited to see her grow, to see her flourish. I am just looking forward to February, January has been long enough. A new month is in order. I only hope more blessings are in store for us.

firsts

Last night I got to change Lucy's diaper for the very first time. It was awesome! I cried. I never in my life thought I would cry after changing a diaper. But the fact that she is 10 days old and it is something that every mother does for her newborn baby I had been anxiously waiting for this. She cried when I changed her little diaper. Her little cry is so cute. Sounds like a little lamb. There are going to be so many firsts with Lucy that I am patiently waiting for. I am waiting to hold her, hug her, kiss her. I really can't wait to kiss her. I'm sure I'll cry for like days after I do that. It breaks my heart that she has never been kissed. But I am trying with all my might to focus on the positive. She is here. Everyday she is a little stronger. I am lucky. I am blessed. I love Lucy.

normalcy

The last 2 months have felt like an out of body experience. There has been many many times where I lay in bed and think is this really all happening. I stop and wonder if I am just loosing my mind. Because to tell you the truth the thought of actually being crazy seems better than the reality of what is happening. If I was going crazy my mom would still be here, Lucy would still be growing in my belly and everything would be normal. Then I realize that is definitely not happening. Mike and I have been trying very hard to get back into some routine with the kids. They thrive on routine and the last 2 months have been a fly by the seat of our pants. We have moved in with my in-laws because they live 5 minutes from the hospital and that gives us great comfort knowing we are so close to our sweet Lucy. But again this is not our normal routine. So we are trying hard to re-create the routine that we had at home here. It is a slow process but it seems to be working. What is nice is that the kids are still themselves. There are still 457 fights to break up throughout the day. Kara still craves her quiet time. Brady still cries about everything. Lily still cuts her own hair (we are on haircut number 4, I can't figure out how to get her to stop cutting her hair.) In all those moments I am filled with peace. Yes even when Lily came out of the bathroom with half of her hair chopped off and even when they were rolling each other around in a large tub in the backyard. I crave the normalcy of the everyday. My children are my encouragement from God to continue to stay strong. Lucy has shown what it means to fight hard. She is amazing, and that is according to the doctors, I of course already knew that.

Here is the update as of right now, (this could all change tomorrow I know): She has no bleeding in her brain, the PDA in heart closed up after just 2 doses of medication, she is on a CPAP machine and is breathing room air, she is having some tummy issues and they have done 2 x-rays and it is showing nothing alarming but they are unable to feed her at this time due to the amount of bile that is coming through her tube. She is having some apnea episodes which is scary for us but according to the nurses and doctors this is all typical of a preemie her size. I believe more than ever in the power of prayer. When I sit with Lucy all I can do is talk with God and pray. I started praying for all the other babies in the NICU and their parents. It is a scary world in the NICU and I'm positive no matter what each baby is going through the parents are terrified and I know that they to are craving normalcy. Thank you to whoever reads this for your prayers, please keep them coming, Lucy is living proof of the power of prayer.

miracle

Miracle

  /ˈmɪrəkəl/ Show Spelled–noun

1.an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.

2.such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of god.

3.a wonder; marvel.

My daughter is a miracle. She is amazing. She is defying all odds. I am so thankful. Thankful for all the prayers, they are really working, keep them coming. Thankful to have the skilled nurses and doctors taking care of my Lucy. I am patiently waiting for the day I can hold her, kiss her. Until then I will marvel in the miracle of life and medicine. I will keep praying for Lucy Grace to thrive like she is. Really considering everything that we have been through, I am blessed. I am blessed to be a witness of a true miracle. I am blessed to be the mother of this tiny beautiful fighter. I am blessed to have 4 children here with me on Earth. I know, really really know that my mom is watching over Lucy. And that might be why my mom left so quickly, she had to protect her precious granddaughter.

Lucy

On January 14th, at 12:19am I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Lucy Grace. What is wrong with this sentence? Oh yeah I was only 26 weeks pregnant and not due till April 15th. The same week I buried my mom I gave birth to a very beautiful but very tiny baby. It turns out I had developed pre-eclampsia and I almost died. Our baby almost died as well. The whole thing feels like a dream. In the hospital I had a moment of total denial. How can life throw so much at us? My family had just been through so much. I'm trying so hard to not play the "Why me" game. But really WHY ME?! The one thing I am taking from all this is we have absolutely no control over our lives. Yes we can control the small things,the day to day things. But when it comes to the big picture we are not in control. I have also decided that life is really beautiful even when it is totally out of control. My daughter has a long and scary road ahead of her. But she is feisty. She is strong, at only 1lb. 8oz. she has shown strength that I don't even have. I can't stop praying. I get worried that my prayers are not being heard. The comfort I am finding in all this is that my baby is still here. That I am still here. If it wasn't for the doctors and nurses who worked so quickly to deliver Lucy, I would not be here. If it wasn't for my husband insisting that we go into Labor and Delivery I would not be here, Lucy would not be here. God placed these people in my life to save my life. Watching Lucy in NICU is hard. I feel like I am continually holding my breath. I can't wait to exhale. It's difficult to hear the doctors tell us all the things that could go wrong. Again I have no control over any of it. I can't control what the scan on her brain will show. I can't control her breathing. I can't control the PDA on her heart. The only thing I can do is wait and pray. Again I ask whoever is reading this to do the same. Please pray for our baby. Please pray for my family. Please pray that God will grant us some peace after the storm we have gone through.

regret

We had my moms services earlier this week. They were beautiful. Sunday night was a vigil mass and we said the entire rosary, which I always love doing. It's a great way to center yourself and think about God. After the rosary and prayers people were invited to come up and share happy memories of my mom. Every Single Person who got up said something so beautiful, so profound that I was in awe of how my mom had touched so many people. The night of the vigil mass there were close to 300 people there. The stories I heard were some I had never known. The accomplishments my mom had made in her life were things I had never realized. I started to feel regret in my heart. I felt bad for not knowing these things. And now that she is gone I can't ask all the questions I want to ask. I regret putting things off. Places I wanted to take my mom. 4 years ago we were going to see The Ellen Show. I had gotten tickets and a babysitter, but my mom had a meeting so we were unable to go. Over the past 4 years we had talked about going. I never got around to it. Now it is too late. After I had the twins I realized how funny birthdays are. We celebrate the person who was born that day but not the person who brought the child into the world. I decided that on my birthday I would always give my mom a special gift. That was 6 years ago and I never did it. I regret that. When putting together the picture boards for her services I realized I didn't have very many of her with my son. That breaks my heart. There is nothing I can do about that. All I can take from the feeling of regret is to make sure I don't put anything else off. When I want to do something or tell someone what they mean to me I am going to do it. You should do the same. What is the point in waiting for tomorrow or the right time? Life has taken on a whole new meaning. It is fast and can be hard. Loosing someone so close to you feels unfair. But the reality is that is how life is. So my option is to be upset or to take charge of my life and live with no regrets. I choose no regrets.

gone

On the morning of New Years Eve my beautiful mother lost her battle to cancer. Gone way too soon. I am numb. I keep wondering if I will ever stop crying. If the pain that I feel in my heart will ever heal. I will share the story of my moms last hours when I can find the words to explain how it all happened. As of right now everything feels unreal. In my head all I keep thinking is I want my mom, I want my mom. I feel like a child who is homesick. I have never experienced anything so permanent. I can never get her back. I can never have one more conversation with her. I can never have one more hug. I wish with all my might that I could have her back for one more anything. My mom was truly my best friend. I leaned on her for everything. We would talk at least twice usually three times a day. I would see her at least 5 days out of the week. I am lost. I feel alone. It is a strange feeling to know that I don't have a mom here on Earth with me. This pain is unbearable. I can't believe that people go through this and even more that they get through this. I know that time will help heal the pain I feel in my heart, but I know the ache and longing for my mom will always be there. I miss my mom.