Thursday, January 20, 2011
On January 14th, at 12:19am I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Lucy Grace. What is wrong with this sentence? Oh yeah I was only 26 weeks pregnant and not due till April 15th. The same week I buried my mom I gave birth to a very beautiful but very tiny baby. It turns out I had developed pre-eclampsia and I almost died. Our baby almost died as well. The whole thing feels like a dream. In the hospital I had a moment of total denial. How can life throw so much at us? My family had just been through so much. I'm trying so hard to not play the "Why me" game. But really WHY ME?! The one thing I am taking from all this is we have absolutely no control over our lives. Yes we can control the small things,the day to day things. But when it comes to the big picture we are not in control. I have also decided that life is really beautiful even when it is totally out of control. My daughter has a long and scary road ahead of her. But she is feisty. She is strong, at only 1lb. 8oz. she has shown strength that I don't even have. I can't stop praying. I get worried that my prayers are not being heard. The comfort I am finding in all this is that my baby is still here. That I am still here. If it wasn't for the doctors and nurses who worked so quickly to deliver Lucy, I would not be here. If it wasn't for my husband insisting that we go into Labor and Delivery I would not be here, Lucy would not be here. God placed these people in my life to save my life. Watching Lucy in NICU is hard. I feel like I am continually holding my breath. I can't wait to exhale. It's difficult to hear the doctors tell us all the things that could go wrong. Again I have no control over any of it. I can't control what the scan on her brain will show. I can't control her breathing. I can't control the PDA on her heart. The only thing I can do is wait and pray. Again I ask whoever is reading this to do the same. Please pray for our baby. Please pray for my family. Please pray that God will grant us some peace after the storm we have gone through.