bittersweet

So yesterday was amazing. I can't stop thinking how good it felt to snuggle my little girl. I got to kiss her sweet face and whisper everything I had been wanting to tell her. I don't know when I will get to hold her again. But I know each time will feel blissfully beautiful. When I left the hospital I was on a high. My first thought was I need to call my mom. Then the ache in my heart came back. The lump in my throat grew large and I felt torn. I wanted to stay in the moment. Grief is tricky. It's always there but sometimes it hides. There are days, no more like hours where I feel like I will be able to get through this time. That I will be able to be the mom I was, I will be present and I will not cry from just thinking about my mom. Then there are the times when I can't breath. Where I can't believe that she is not here. I still desperately need my mom. Trying to cope without her here is incredibly difficult. I am finding however, that I am finding the confidence in myself to figure out life. I am relying more on my own thoughts and actions to get me through this phase with Lucy in the hospital. She used to be the one that would hold me up. I suppose everyone in life has to come to a point where they trust themselves and the decisions that they make are right.