changes

It has been a crazy last 2 months. 

 Lots of changes for our family.  

We have moved in with my dad while our condo sells.  Our plan was to only live here for 2-3 months.  Well looks like that will now be more like 12 months. 

But it's okay.  

We are no stranger to change and that our best laid plans can be turned upside down.  So now I am getting busy trying to make this house feel like our home for the next year.  I'm kinda excited to change things up.  Pintrest is so fun for daydreaming up fun room ideas for the kids.  And hopefully in a year we will own our own home and look back on this time and smile.

In early November Miss Lucy had surgery to place tubes in her ears.  For all the anxiety that I went through the procedure only took 9 minutes.  It was easy and she did great.  And now she is doing so well.  Saying so many more words and her balance is incredible.  Before the surgery she would walk around like an old drunk lady, especially when she was tired.  She would fall down all the time, now she walks perfectly.  It's really amazing.  So now she will have another hearing test and hopefully pass so we can finally start speech therapy.  She wants so badly to talk more but she is having trouble.  It is really hard for me to watch her struggle.  I'm looking forward to speech and watching my little girl blossom.

It has almost been 2 years since my mom has gone.  And while it has gotten so much easier to live life without her, I still miss her desperately.  With all of life's changes and excitement it is hard to not share that with her.  I still feel sad when I think that Lucy never knew her.  But in her own way she will know her, through pictures and stories that myself and everyone will tell her.

You see that picture up above?  That is Lucys favorite thing to do. All. The. Time.  She holds the pencil so well, better than her 6 year old brother.  It's amazing! 

And lastly, here is my 4 on Halloween.  The twins were a double rainbow, Brady was Darth Vader and Lucy was a pot of gold.  It was a really fun Halloween.

Have a happy Thursday!

roadblocks

Life lately has felt like a bunch of roadblocks.  We are so close to one thing and then something else pops up that we have to deal with.  I'm wondering if this is how life will always be or if it's just temporary.  I got very sick about a month ago.  Spent 3 days in the hospital.  So much drama.  But they still don't know what was happening.  They are still doing tests.  I feel great.  100% again.  But there are still tests to be done.  Roadblock.  

Over the summer Lucy had her 2nd evaluation through CHOC.  They tested her to see if she has any delays.  I knew going in that she would probably need speech therapy.  She babbles but really doesn't say a lot of words.  She actually has a tendency to say a word a couple of times and then never say that word again.  So just like I suspected she is delayed in speech and CHOC recommended speech therapy.  But first our insurance wanted her to have her hearing tested.  I walked into that hearing test with such confidence I was actually annoyed that we were there.  She failed the test.  Roadblock.  She can hear loud noises, but softer sounds, she didn't even flinch.  Now our family is loud.  She is always around constant noise.  So there is a possibility that she just doesn't care about the quieter noises.  Now we have to see an ENT and her doctor said she does have fluid in her ears (she has had 5 double ear infections this past year) so that could be another reason for her hearing loss.  But until we figure out her hearing there is no speech therapy.  She will probably have to have tubes and hopefully that will take care of the problem.  But there is a possibility that she may need hearing aides.  Lets just discuss how cute tiny hearing aids would be. .I mean really they would be so tiny it would be ridiculous.  So until we get past this roadblock no speech. And this little girl is getting super frustrated that she can't communicate with us.  I have faith she will get there though.

Lucy is amazing though.  She is so curious. She is funny. She is fiesty.  She loves to snuggle and give kisses.  She also loves to bite and pinch, go figure.  She thinks its really funny to be bad so 16 years old should be fun with this girlie.

And just to add to our already crazy, busy lives we are moving.  Selling our place and moving in with my dad while its on the market.  Because trying to keep a tiny home clean while 4 little tornadoes run around is just not something I even want to deal with.  After it sells we will by a house.  I am excited, nervous, overwhelmed but ready. 

chapters

In just 3 days my little boy will be leaving pre-school to go to kindergarten.  I know he is more than ready.  But I am not.  You see for the last 3 years after dropping the girls off at school Brady and I would get 1/2 hour together.  Just the two of us.  It is my most favorite time of the day.  I would take him for breakfast and we would share some sweet treat and he would enjoy his chocolate milk.

When I was pregnant with Lucy I started to feel sad that our mornings together would be over. Then when she came so early I really felt cheated on that special time with him. See Brady has to battle for attention from his twin sisters. Who demand a lot of attention. He sometimes gets lost in the shuffle of girly things and activities. So that time in the morning he was able to talk about what ever his little heart wanted. He would ask me so many questions. He would make me laugh and I really felt like I was able to instill all the things a little boy should know to become a great man. Once Lucy was home I realized we were still able to have our special mornings. It is so fun to watch him as a big brother. He adores Lucy and she to him. This morning while hanging out in the car before his school started I said "oh buddy are you so excited just 3 more days of school and then it's summer and you are a big kindergartner!" To which he responded with tears. Big sad tears. I said "what's wrong?" He said "I don't want to leave my school, I don't want to leave my friends. I don't want to leave you!" I started crying too. This has been such a special time and one I know can't last forever. With the new chapter of his life starting I know we will make new memories. But I will always look back on this time with my buddy as one of the best parts of motherhood.

Flash

Two weeks ago my family and I surprised my mother in law for her birthday with a flash mob in the middle of downtown Fullerton.  It was AMAZING!!  She was truly surprised and touched by all the people who showed up.  Since my father in laws sudden passing this is the first time I feel that all of us felt real joy.  It was such a beautiful experience.  Here is the link to the story and a short video of the dance.

You Know You Are Loved When… | Fullerton News

negative

The thing about death is it can make you very negative.  About everything.  A person you loved so dear has been taken from you and you will never get to see them again here on earth.  That sucks.  A piece of your heart has been removed and gone with your loved one.  You don't feel like yourself.  There are times when everything and everyone seems to be against you.  But the thing is you have a choice.  To view life now that it has changed as a negative experience or a as a positive one.  It has been 16 months since my mom died and 2 weeks since my father in law died.  I have a first hand experience as to how quickly life can change.  You blink and what you thought was normal has now been flipped upside down and shaken up.  But I know that being negative about death and the impact it has had on my life is not how I want to spend my days.  There is a big difference between being sad and being negative.  It is normal to feel sad, it is healthy to cry and mourn and grieve.  It will benefit you to feel all those horrible emotions of grief.  It will not benefit you to let death change you for the worse.  For some reason this is the way my life has gone, death of my mom when I was only 30 years old, 2 weeks later the birth of my daughter at 26 weeks and then just 16 months later the death of my father in law.  It makes me wonder what will come next.  I made a promise to myself after my mom died and now I am making that promise again.

I promise to smile and laugh everyday.  At least once a day.  I will hug more.  I will say I love you always.  I will talk about my mom and now father in law everyday to my children so they feel that they are still here.  I will not let the little things that others do be my focus.  I will live in the present.  I will treat each day as if it were my last.  I will thank God every morning for letting me be here one more day with my family.

Don't let negative things change you for the worse, let it change you in a positive beautiful way.

shock

It was like any other Satuday morning. I had just gone out into the garage to do laundry. All of a sudden my husband came running out with the most paniked look on his face. I ran over to him and asked what was wrong. His answer, "Matty just called....my dads not breathing....he's not breathing" All I could respond with is "what?!" over and over again.  Luckily my friend had just arrived at our house (she and i had plans to go out), we left the kids with her and drove over to my in laws home. When we arrived the paramedics had just left with him to take him to the er. We headed there. When we arrived, it was us, my mother in law, and my brother in law. We all stood there and watched as firefighters worked so hard to save his life. It was crazy. After about an 1 hour they stopped.

My father in law died at 62 from a heart attack. No warning signs. Nothing. Just gone.

We are shocked, devestated and heartbroken. My kids have lost, honestly THE BEST PA EVER!

My father in law was more than an in law to me. He was my 2nd dad. He loved me as his own. He always told me he loved me. He always greeted me with a hug.  He never told the kids no. He was so proud of them. He was Lucys biggest cheerleader. He was my husbands best friend.  He was my mother in laws soul mate.  

There is a hole in my heart that my father in law filled. Our life this last year has been anything but easy, but we have forged on. Smiling along the way. This has knocked us down.  I am struggling trying to stand back up.

Today Kara was very sad.  I went up to her room to check on her. She was hysterical.  She said she was talking to grammy and pa in heaven and asking them to come back one more time. She just wanted to hug them one more time. She was begging me to make this happen. I wish I could, oh I wish I could,

truth

I am going to get real honest here.  I am exhausted.  Like at any given time of the day I could easily fall asleep.  It takes everything I have sometimes to not doze off while cooking, driving or even talking.  Why am I so tired?  4 kids.  That is the answer.  I never in my wildest imagination thought I would be this tired with just adding one more kid to my already busy 3.  Staying at home is way more tiring than I thought.  I give huge props to all you stay at home moms.  We just don't get enough credit.  Our job doesn't have a lunch break, it doesn't have sick leave, it doesn't have vacation days.  I let my husband sleep in both days this weekend, cuz I'm an amazing wife, but for reals last night I was so tired and than started to resent the fact that I was so cool for letting him sleep in.  Silly I know, but it is the truth.


A quick update on Lucy. Besides being the cutest baby EVER.  Here is proof:

She is pretty awesome.  After the nightmare that CHOC put us through (lost paper work, delayed therapy appointments, rude customer service) we were able to switch over to our providers rehab program.  She got evaluated and only has to have one physical therapy appointment and has to see an occupational therapist twice a week for the next couple of months.  We have only had one appointment and let me tell you she HATES it. But its for her own good.  It will get her to eat solids and help her move her mouth and tongue properly.  But I was super worn out after the appointment.  She and I looked like we had gone to battle after the 45 minute session was done.  I took her to babies r us to pick out a toy because she worked so hard.  I got myself an extra large coke to reward myself and to stay awake for the rest of the day.  I am excited though to see what therapy can do for my baby girl.

Also one more truth, all the baby toys in the world do not entertain my baby, you know what does?  Wii remotes, trash cans, the refrigerator, the dogs food and legos.  Pretty much all the things a baby should be playing with.  She has eaten a good amount of dog food though, I'm sure her therapist will be happy with that.

rainbow

So it happened.  The day that I had been looking forward to for an entire year.  On January 14th Lucy turned one. 

I had been planning her party in my head ever since she was born.  It was something that kept my thoughts postive and kept them from thinking we might not see a 1st birthday with her here. 

The night before felt like Christmas.  We were all so excited.  The kids woke up early and we all greeted Lucy with Happy Birthday singing and lots of hugs and kisses. 

Sometimes I am unaware at how much Lucys birth and hospital stay affected the kids.  Lily wanted to bring cupcakes to school to celebrate with her class Lucy turning one.  They all told everybody that Lucy was 1 years old.  They are just as proud of her as we are. 

My sweet Lucy, you were my rainbow when things got so dark. You still are. You are a constant bright spot in all our lives. You have come so far. Defied all the odds. You are determined, funny, serious, curious and beautiful. I can't wait to see what this year holds for you. For us.

Happy Birthday baby girl, may all your wishes come true!