365

December 31st, 2010, 8:16am:
I had finally fallen asleep on my husbands lap.  After being awake for the entire night, sitting with my mom, holding her hand, trying desperately to not loose all hope.  I finally laid my head down and closed my eyes.  45 minutes later I was awoken by my sister.  "Shes gone"  is all she said.  I looked at her and said "no".  I knew what it meant and I wasn't ready for it.  She held my hand and said it again, as if to convince herself of the truth.  "Yes Paige, she is gone"  I sat up and tried to understand.  But all I could do was think about breathing.  One breath in, one breath out.  My aunt said do you want to go say goodbye.  I nodded yes and started to walk down the hall into the room where I had grown up to kiss my mom one last time.  My husband walked beside me and held me up as I entered the room.  She laid there looking so peaceful.  But the minute I entered the room I knew it wasn't her anymore.  There was no life and it was very evident the moment you walked in.  I closed my eyes tight and leaned over and kissed her forehead.  I whispered in her ear "I love you.  Thank you for being the best mom ever"  I turned and walked out and fell into my husbands arms and wept.  Everything after was a blur.  I wanted to run out of the house.  I wanted to go back to sleep.  I wanted to go back in one last time and just lay with her.  But I knew nothing was going to make me feel any better.  Life at 8:16am was forever changed. 

365 days later myself, my sister, my husband and my children, let balloons off into heaven.  To celebrate the life my mom lived.  We each wrote a special note on each balloon and watched 7 balloons dance into heaven.  It was magical.  I am so proud of my family.  We did it.  We endured one of the toughest years I could have ever imagined and we came out  stronger and closer than before.  Goodbye 2011.  Hello 2012.  May you bring us even more peace, strength, love and happiness.

Water

Water.  I don't ever think about how amazing it really is.  Or the fact that at any given moment I can get some fresh, clean, cold water.  From my faucet.  From my refrigerator.  From the market.  From the hose.  Did you know that a lot, I mean A LOT of children go without clean drinking water. I can't imagine not being able to make Lucys bottle or fill the kids water bottles up for school.

 

Diseases from unsafe water and lack of basic sanitation kill more people every year than all forms of violence, including war. Children are especially vulnerable, as their bodies aren't strong enough to fight diarrhea, dysentery and other illnesses.

90% of the 30,000 deaths that occur every week from unsafe water and unhygienic living conditions are of children under five years old. Many of these diseases are preventable. The UN predicts that one tenth of the global disease burden can be prevented simply by improving water supply and sanitation. 
 taken from charity:water

Did you know there is something that you can do to help.  By donating just $10 to project 320   you can help change all that?  And did you know that by donating $10 it will enter you in giveaways on not just this little blog but lots of others?  How easy is that?  And how amazing to be able to fund a well that can provide clean drinking water for 10 YEARS!!!  

Here is my giveaway:

My sister in law and I are making flash cards for babies and toddlers.  They are perfect for your little ones imagination. I will be giving away the ABC set and the Animal and Insect set.  The ABC set  has 26 front and back handmade cards displaying the alphabet.
They Animal and Insect has 16 front and back handmade cards.
 Each card is laminated so you can easily clean them. Held together by a colorful ring so you or your child can easily flip through them.
Bright colors and original artwork will help your ever curious child learn and their imagination grow.
You can see more at our site, Flip to my Lou.

You can enter by donating just $10 to project 320.  One donation gets you one entry.  A $20 dollar donation gets you 2.  And so on.

Visit The Project 320 Blog to see all the other giveaways.

Spread the word about this amazing fundraiser and Good Luck!!!

thanks

Over at Joys Hope there is something amazing happening starting on Monday. After all the kindness we recieved after my mom died and Lucy was born I have never felt like I could say thank you in a way that really showed how grateful I was for all the gifts, food, cards and hugs. But this project is just a small way that I can start to pay it forward to others that might need a little happy in their life. Will you join me? Go check it out. It's really amazing how one little thing can make someones day so much brighter.

Happy

The relationship between my son and Lucy is beautiful. He loves her so much and is always making her smile. She loves him just as much. She loves to watch him as he builds legos or tells stories in the car. I can only hope that this special bond they share will carry on with them through their lives. Enjoy this video of their very special friendship.

thoughts

*School has started and while I have enjoyed the routine that fall brings I am tired, oh so tired. Staying home is a lot more exhausting than I could have ever imagined.

*Sometimes when I hear other women complain about their moms I want to slap them. For reals. Look I know I did it, we all do, but I just want to scream in their faces and say you are so lucky to still have a mom to complain about!

* I still cry like a baby when I think about my mom. Is that normal?

*Lucy amazes me everyday. How did I get so blessed with such a sweet baby? She looks at me with her big blue eyes and I just melt. She is starting to sit up, roll over and hold things and bring then up to her mouth. Amazing I tell you!

*Is it thanksgiving break yet?

*Today I went to tjmaxx I found a spirograph. I was so excited! I bought it for the kids, but between you and me, guess who will really be playing with it tonight after bedtime?

*My friends baby is very sick, he needs a bone marrow transplant. Please sign up at bethematch.org Please! You could be the one that saves this sweet babies life!

*Fall TV is back and I am in heaven. Hello parenthood, the office, sunny in philidelphia and parks and rec.

*I meant to put the pictures after this silly post but instead it's like this and I don't have the time to figure out how to fix it.

*Pictures in order
Stair fort hours of fun for a little boy
Back to school feast
Lego army built by a very creative little boy, they make me smile
Worlds happiest baby

*Have a happy weekend!

circle

When I was a little girl my mom loved the Pointer Sisters. They were pretty great I must admit. But I remember my mom would blast "I'm so Excited" as loud as she could in our Astro van and I would hide. I would slump as far down as I could in my seat and beg for her to stop. She would just turn it up louder. I couldn't understand why she would want to embarrass me this way. Now that I am a mother it all makes perfect sense. It's not so much that she wanted to embarrass me but she truly loved that song and she was having fun dancing and watching me cringe. I do it now with my kids and while they are still pretty good sports and will typically dance along with me there have been a few times when they have tried to hide from my embarrassing behavior. While watching the VMAs the other night, and feeling very old while watching, I mean what the hell is up with Lady Gaga, to me she is not original, just annoying. Also Katy Perry and Niki Minaj, both are pretty girls but why oh why are they dressed like a 3 year old on Halloween. I started to grow tired of watching the show and then came Beyonce. Oh I love Beyonce. I have since high school. "Freakum dress" should win awards. She is amazing. She is classy, She is beautiful. She has REAL talent. Then she performed her song and it brought me back to the 80's. Sitting in the car with my mom and dying while she rocked out. I realized that "Love on Top" will be the song that I will take it to the next level and make all my kids duck for cover. I mean with a song that makes you smile the whole way through you can't help but shake your body and sing at the top of your lungs. So thank you mom for teaching me about the great art of car dancing.

2011 VMA - Music - Beyoncé

moments

found on pinterest.com

7

7 months have passed since my whole world came crashing down. I for some reason thought that I wouldn't still feel the gut wrenching pain i felt that day, but it is still there. The more time that passes without her here the more my heart aches for her. Lucy will be baptized soon and I am having a hard time planning it without her. She always wanted to invite everyone to big events like this and I would butt heads with her because I like things more intimate. But in the end she always won. This time I don't have to invite anyone if I don't want to. Although i find myself hearing her voice telling me to invite anyone and everyone. She just loved to show off her grandchildren.

I find myself totally immersing myself in things to just keep busy. My house has never been so clean. The minute I stop moving is when I feel that sadness creep in and my mind is flooded with grief. Sundays was always my day with her. My husband works on Sundays so I would head over to her house and just hang out. I used to not mind Sundays, now i could really just skip the whole day.

The year markers are slowly starting to make their way into my life. It was a year ago that we took a last minute trip up to big bear, just the kids myself and my mom. It will be a year since we took a trip up to San Fran to visit my sister. It will be a year in September when she first started complaining about back pain. And then comes a year from when everything spiraled out of control. I know i will get through all of those dates with prayer, the support of family and friends.

In the meantime I am enjoying summer time with the kids. Lazy mornings. Otterpop afternoons. Bowling, the beach, reading, brownies, dinner with friends and playdates. Summer reminds that life goes on. It doesn't stop just because I am sad. At times I wish I could hide under the covers but I am blessed with 4 children who want to hang out and lift my spirits with every smile.

flashback

For the last 6 months every once in awhile I have a very intense memory of what happened to my mom or to Lucy. I have these flashbacks mostly at night when I can't sleep. I lay there thinking about it all. My brain is still trying to process all that has happened. I am still sometimes in denial that my mom is really gone. On one particular night that I couldn't sleep I was thinking so deeply about the night I had Lucy. I got up and wrote it down. It seems to help me. To get it out. I wanted to share it here. I have no idea who reads this blog, but if by some chance there is a mother who has gone through the nightmare that is having a baby prematurely maybe my story can help in some small way. I know it helped me to read other stories of women and babies who got through such a scary dark time.


I sat there in the hospital bed listening to the sound of the baby monitor whooshing in the background. How could this be happening? I am only 26 weeks pregnant and in the next couple of hours whether I liked it or not my baby girl was going to be born. And it was all my fault. My body failed her. It decided to give up. Nothing I could do would change what was going to happen. I looked up at the ceiling hoping for some miracle. But there was no miracle. I silently started to cry. Each tear ran down my face warm with the realization that life is not fair. Just two weeks had passed since my mom had died. In this desperate hour all I wanted was my mom and that was never going to happen. The doctor walked in with this big grin on his face. He clapped his hands together and proclaimed, “Well looks like we are going to have a baby.” He seemed so excited. Acting as if I was 40 weeks along and my life wasn’t in danger. Was I missing something? Am I supposed to be celebrating? I couldn’t place my emotions. Why was this man smiling? After he left the neonatologist walked in. He was straight faced and almost pale looking. He sat down across the room and told us all that could and possibly will go wrong. He told us she might have seizures after she is born, she probably won’t be breathing they will have to intabate her, she could have bleeding in her brain which will lead to severe brain damage, she could be blind, she could have cerebral palsy and she could die. I asked him if I would hear her cry. That’s all I wanted. There is'nt a more beautiful sound than the sound of your newborn baby crying after they are born. He plainly and confidently replied “No.” I could'nt take it all in. It was too much. Why was this happening to our family? Haven’t we gone through enough? My mom suffered for 2 months. She went from walking around happy and helping to feeble and weak. Why did we need to watch another person we loved struggle to live? The next doctor that walked in informed me of how the c-section would go. He told me besides the epidural I would be receiving he was also going to place an additional IV in my arm and on in my neck. That way if my heart started to act up he could give me medication through the vein in my neck. I could'nt understand what he was saying. I just kept saying “What? What?” He just kept repeating the words, which by the third time of his explanation really started to sound like a foreign language. I closed my eyes and tried to wish it all away. At midnight I was taken down to the operating room. There was music playing in the background, the band was The Fray. I could'nt stand that band which was probably perfect that they were playing in a place that I wanted nothing to do with. The room was bright and incredibly cold. They sat me up to prep me for the epidural. All of a sudden it hit me like a semi truck and a train colliding. I looked up at the nurse, the desperation in my eyes pled with her to change this. She just held my hand tight and said, “it’s ok, keep breathing, you are going to have your baby, she needs you to be strong, don’t give up faith, now is not the time for that.” I held her gaze for a while and muttered “this is just not fair, I have no strength left, and I want to go home” They laid me down quickly and moved me onto the operation table. The curtain went up and I could no longer see my tiny belly. The doctor walked in still with that shit-eating grin on his face. He leaned over and happily said hello. If I could I would have flipped him off. The anestilologist started working on the IV in my arm. He was having a difficult time getting into the vein he wanted. The pain was becoming unbearable, he dug around inside my arm, and there was blood everywhere. I tried to focus on my baby. The doctors were talking to each other. I don’t remember a word they were saying. All of a sudden she was out, Lucy Grace was born at 12:08 am. No screaming, no noise. Nothing but deafning silence. I looked anxiously at my husband. He was standing up getting ready to go over to her. Nobody told me anything. The anest. Finally got the IV in after having to move to my other arm. He started to work on the IV in my neck. I kept trying to catch a glimpse of my sweet baby, but he kept turning my head. “Stop moving” He kept saying. I did'nt listen. I had to see her. Then like a flash they wheeled her over to me. There were tubes everywhere. All I saw was a tiny pink doll with tubes coming out her mouth. Mike looked at me and with everything he had in him he smiled. He mouthed ‘she is beautiful, I love you.” I told him to go with her. I could tell he felt torn. But I knew she needed him more. She was just ripped from her safe warm home and into a world of needles and monitors and breathing tubes and doctors. She was robbed of 13 more weeks of quiet serenity. I finally gave in to the doctor and held still as he jammed a needle down my neck. I could feel the warm blood running down my neck and onto my chest. I closed my eyes and started to fall asleep. I woke up in the elevator. I tried making small talk. I asked the doctor about his family. I wanted to pretend as if none of what just happened happened. I fell back to sleep. I woke up in the ICU. It was quiet. It felt peaceful. I was hooked up to what seemed to be 20 monitors. Most taking my blood pressure, measuring my oxygen intake, my heart rate. A nurse came in almost every 20 minutes to check something. I was in and out of sleep. I felt so foggy. It felt like half a dream and half reality.

difference

What a difference 6 months can make!

sunshine

When I start to feel really sad and gloomy inside, this little ray of sunshine reminds me that God really did know what he was doing.

life

I found this quote on Pintrest and it's something I have been thinking about for awhile. Before my mom died I would worry about everything. Really more than I ever should have. I lived my life cautiously. I had a fear of so many things. I really lived my life guarded. In the last month or so I have started to think about how quickly my moms life ended. In 2 short months she was gone. She didn't want to die. I know this because she told me. I can't stop thinking about that conversation I had with her. And now those words echo in my head and I think what if that happens to me. Because it could. Would I be happy with how I have lived my life? Have I lived it passionately? Have I lived it with my whole heart involved? Did I try things, really scary things and get through it? Some of the questions I have been asking myself I can say Yes to and some no. I want to change the nos. I have so many dreams, not just for my kids but for myself and for my husband. I want to see those dreams pan out. At least try to make them happen. My mom is my inspiration to live a life that is filled with possibility and pride. Let's see what sort of things I can accomplish when I really start living my life.

numbers

9 pounds 10 ounces is how much Lucy weighs right now.
7 is the age my sweet twin girlies just turned.
4 is the number of days left of school for my big kids.
2 is the number of months Lucy has been home.
6 is the number of times I have been on Pintrest this morning(I am obsessed, if you have one find me so we can follow each other and if you don't have one, go join, you won't regret it!)
0 is the number of times Lucy woke up last night.
3 is the number of nights she has slept through the night.
6 is the number of wonderful beautiful hours I slept last night.
3 is the number of graduation parties this Saturday.

Happy Friday! What numbers are making you happy this Friday?





Have you checked out DrewB yet, she is amazing, look at the picture she took of my family. Go and check her out and then hire her to take you pictures next!!

signs

My daughters are so full of questions when it comes to death. I don't blame them I am just as curious as to what happens after you die. It breaks my heart though that at 6 years old they are having to comprehend such heavy thoughts. They ask what is heaven like? Can Grammy see us right now? Does Grammy look the same? Will she come back and visit us? I had received a book after my mom passed, it is called "The next life" It is beautifully written. I don't know who sent it to us. But about a week after my mom had died we received that book with a few others. I was irritated at the thought of having to read these books. It really made me mad. So I shoved them deep in a closet and forgot all about them until the other day when Lily was having a particularly hard time. She was missing my mom so much and I was not finding the words she needed to comfort her. I remembered those books and dug them out of the closet. I started to read "The next life" and I tried my hardest to get through it without crying, which is impossible by the way. But it states some really wonderful thoughts. It talks about your spirit dancing above. How when we die we are more happy than ever. There is no sadness, no pain. It seemed to help the girls and myself. I often worry that the older kids will look back on their childhood and think that all their mother did was cry for a whole year. I try hard to hold back my tears and be strong for them but at times it is impossible. I miss my mom. I find myself longing for the past to be the present. I have been trying to find small signs that she is still her with us in the present. There have been two that really made my heart skip a beat. The first was the day Lucy came home from the hospital. I was in the kitchen making the kids breakfast and getting ready to go to the NICU. Something caught my eye outside. I looked and saw a giant Monarch butterfly wings spread and perched so perfectly on our umbrella. I slowly walked outside to take a better looks. It was beautiful. It laid so still that I thought for a moment it might be dead. I called for the kids to come and look. They all came out and were ohhhing and ahhhing at the beauty. All of a sudden the butterfly took off and flew right over my head touching the top of it. Like a little kiss. I do believe in my heart that that was some sign from my mom. The second sign came on Mothers Day. My dad and I had planted Gardenias and Hydrangeas in my front yard. Those were my moms favorites and I wanted to have something pretty to look at and think happy thoughts of her. I was anxiously awaiting the first bloom from the Gardenias. On Mothers Day I went outside to water my flowers and low and behold there was one perfectly bloomed gardenia. It had opened over night. It made me smile and changed my whole attitude that day. It is little things like that, that make me think that she is still in some way able to communicate with us. And that gives me great hope and comfort.

one

Lucy has been home for 1 month. We are enjoying every minute of it. The time seems to be passing rapidly. Lucy is doing wonderfully. She is so alert. She is gaining weight like crazy, she doesn't fit into any of her preemie diapers or clothes anymore! I can't get enough snuggles with her. The kids are just enamored with her. The kisses are endless around here. And even though Mike and I are more sleep deprived than ever we couldn't be happier that our sweet girl is home with us. It gives me such hope for the future. Never give up, never stop believing. Things may seem dark and hopeless, but don't despair, you have no idea what beauty lies right around the corner.

Lucy and her sweet cousin Hazel

We also had the pleasure of getting some amazing photos done by the talented DrewB, she has given us the most beautiful gift in these pictures. I will forever treasure them! The kindness of others never ceases to amaze me. Drew is one of those people that has gone above and beyond to make us smile again. She captured our family so perfectly at this time in our lives. Thank you Drew!!! Check out the pictures here and book Drew for your next family photos, you won't be disappointed!

Those links don't seem to be working, please try here:http://blog.drewbphotography.com/

mom

Dear Mom,
Happy Mothers Day!!! I miss you so much. Your absence has created such a hole in my heart. But I think you would be proud of me. I am still getting up every morning with the kids. I still make their lunches, still give them breakfast. I still take them to school and clean the house (well I clean as best as I can, you know I am terrible at cleaning) I still make dinner and give the children showers and tuck them in at night. But with every one of those daily tasks I am still blind sided by your absence. I long to pick up the phone and call you. You know last night I made my own BBQ sauce from scratch? And it was delicious!!

Oh and if you could only see Lucy. She is such a funny baby. She is loud, sounds sort of like a little piggy. I could just hear your laughter with all her little snorts and groans. I could just imagine your arms stretched out ready to snuggle up the sweetness that embodies Lucy. You would just beam with such pride at all your grandchildren.

The girls miss you so desperately. I try and explain to them what Heaven is and why they don't have you here with them. Last night Kara asked if Jesus could come back why can't you. I don't have any good answers for them as I can't find the answers myself. I just give them hugs and cry with them.

I wonder if you knew what an impact you had on not just ours but everyones lives. So many people miss you. I hope I told you enough how much I loved you. I hope you know that you were really my best friend. I cherish every memory we made together and mourn all the memories that won't be made. I love you mom, Happy Mothers Day.
Love~ Your favorite daughter Paige

believe

It has been over 3 weeks since Lucy has been home. It has been amazing. She is the sweetest baby. I am overwhelmed with how well she is doing here at home. She is thriving. She is very alert and has started to really cry, which Mike and I are enjoying. I feel so full of hope and love when I look at Lucy. I know our family is complete. The other day we were driving over to my dads home and I looked in the back of the car and saw all 4 of my children happy. It filled my heart. I just can't stop thinking about how much my mom would have been over the moon in love with Lucy. She always had a soft spot for her grandchildren, but there is something so special about her. I'm sure it's because she is truly a miracle. She has changed not only our lives but so many others. I am still touched by the amount of kindness that is coming our way. Whether it's a beautiful blanket hand made by my parents neighbor, or packages in the mail for Lucy or pictures taken by a truly talented friend, I can't find the words to say thank you in a way that I feel is adequate. One day I hope I can pay it forward all the kind things that others have done for our family. I just hope that Lucy's story has touched people, a least one person, in a way that has helped them believe in prayer, believe in God. Because she has me believing again after all my faith was lost.


morning sister snuggle

home

After waiting patiently for 88 days Lucy is home!! I put this video together as a reminder to us and to anyone who watches this, that prayer and medicine work miracles. Share and Enjoy! Music by IZ "Somewhere over the rainbow"

lessons

So today Lucy was supposed to come home. We were all so excited. I called everyone, even asked my friend who takes amazing photos if she could come and take pictures of us leaving the NICU. Then Thursday Lucy decided she wasn't ready and started having apnea like crazy. They ended up putting her back on the cannula and stopped her feedings. Immediately I thought she was getting sick again. To say I was freaking out is an understatement. Luckily Lucy had an amazing nurse who let her rest and started feeding her again slowly and gave her some medication for some swelling she had. You see since Lucy was supposed to leave on Monday they wanted her to have her 2 month immunizations. I was hesitant from the start. I asked a million questions if it was safe for her to have the shots being she is so small and her immune system seems to be weaker than a "normal" 2 month old. They all assured me she would be ok. Well turns out she wasn't. She had a terrible reaction to the shots. It was another scary 48 hours, but we have all come out of the darkness again and she is better than ever. They are now talking again about discharging her but I am keeping my lips sealed as to when that will be. I have learned my lesson about trying to plan and control each situation. I am focusing on today. We had a fantastic day today. I was able to give Lucy a bath, feed her 2 bottles and she did great. Not one sound out of the monitor. Tomorrow might be different but I can't control that. Living for the moment is something I have never been good at, I am always worried about tomorrow or what the plan is for the future. But I am trying and today I was successful and I had a really good day!

strength

I found this poem on one of the preemie sites I visit and it gives me great comfort and strength through every step of this journey. Lucy is having a little difficulty breathing today, just a couple apnea episodes. The nurses say it's probably from her immunizations, it still raises my anxiety and makes feel like I have no control, but reading this prayer is helpful.

Premature Baby Prayer

God bless the little child behind the plastic wall. For all he knows is the ringing of the bells and the blurred images around him. He has been taken from my womb without warning and I long to hold him in my arms.

Lord, I ask in your name that my child be healed. I am willing to accept your decision no matter what it will be. I am willing to take on the responsibilities for caring for this child. I am willing to give this child love and understanding no matter the cost.

Please Lord help me to accept reality and what has happened without explanation or warning. Help me face the fact that this is not my fault and that I was given a special task to complete here on Earth.

God give my child the strength to make it through another second, minute, hour and day as each moment is a blessing and a triumph from heaven.

God, may you give the strength and compassion to the caregivers and nurses that take care of my child May you keep my child protected and free from all injury and pain.

Please take away the guilt and burden from my heart dear Lord. It is heavy and I feel it is all my fault. Take it away dear Lord. Sweet Jesus allow me the strength and understanding I need to communicate with the Doctors and Nurses.

As you see dear Lord, I am at your mercy for the life of
my child. Please leave him here on Earth and know that I will provide all the love and understanding that
this child needs. I accept the challenge and will be
your humble servant dear Lord.

-- Author unknown

new

Each day brings on a new beginning and I love that. The feelings I felt from the last post are still here but now I am feeling hopeful. There is a buzz around the NICU that Lucy might be coming home soon. She is now in an open crib and eating only from bottles. She wants to come home I just know it. I am sure she is sick of everything in the NICU just as I am. The beeping of the monitor. The poking and prodding of the nurses. Even the radio station, which is always set to either KOST or MYFM, honestly I have heard the theme from Grease and Tears in Heaven one too many times, and that in itself is reason enough to leave the NICU. She now weighs 4lbs. 9oz. and is looking plumper everyday. I was thinking today about how far she has come. She came out only weighing 1lb. 8oz. Think about that. 1 lb. 8 oz.!! And now 11 weeks later she is almost 5 pounds and doing most things that a newborn does. I am grateful to all the nurses and doctors and everyone who has prayed for Lucy. All of them have saved our sweet girl. I don't know what the future holds for Lucy, I can only hope for the very best for her. When I close my eyes I can see so perfectly, I see her running and laughing. I see her skipping next to me and playing with her brother and sisters. It is a beautiful image. One I am hopeful for. An image that will become a reality. I just can't wait!

done

It has been over 10 weeks since Lucy was born. That is 10 weeks of driving back and forth to the hospital. 10 weeks of anxiety and fear every time I call or enter the NICU. 10 weeks of not living at our home. 10 weeks of dealing with questions and not having the answers. 10 weeks and I am DONE! I am done being positive. I am done trying to maintain a smile when all I want to do is cry. I am done listening to others telling me to "hang on, she'll be home in no time" I miss my old life. The one where my mom was here and I was still having a healthy pregnancy. The one where I was a fun mom and a happy wife. The life where my biggest worry was getting the laundry done or figuring out what was for dinner. I want it back. I want so much. So much that is out of my control. I want my mom back. I want Lucy out of the hospital. I want to feel that joy I felt inside of me for so long. Yes I know I am depressed and I realize that this to will pass and in about 6 months I will read this and think how silly it was to be so negative. But this is the truth of what is happening right now. Right now at this moment I have had it. No mother should have to have their child in a hospital. No mother should have to explain to her other children the whys and hows and whatifs of having a premature sister. I should be 37 weeks pregnant. I should be fat and uncomfortable and great with child. Unfortunately that is not what is happening. It is time for us to take Lucy home, it is time for me to embrace this new life without my mom and dealing with a premature baby. It is just time for me to be the mother that I was meant to be to my sweet Lucy.

timing

Press play and listen while you read

On Christmas Eve of 2010 my mom became very sick. It just so happened that our priest was already coming over to do the anointing of the sick for her. It is a Catholic thing. Basically he says some special prayers and blesses her with oil. My dad, my godparents and myself sat in the room while he spoke to her. My sisters ipod was playing softly in the background, it was on shuffle. As we started praying the Our Father this song came on. It was perfectly timed. It took my breath away. I started to cry silently. I watched my mom she looked so peaceful. I listened to the song, each word seemed to be written for her. My mom had always loved the Beatles, as most children of the 60's did. The song ended just as the Priest ended his prayers. The ipod stopped playing. All by itself. It's almost as if it was out of a movie. At that moment I stopped trying to figure out what was happening. I just had to "let it be". The answer was not what I wanted, but it was what was supposed to happen. I do believe that when that song came on it was the best Christmas present I could have ever gotten.

The other night I was driving home with the kids, they were drifting asleep. My mom was on mind, I was thinking of all the things I wanted to tell her. I want to tell her about Lucy and how amazing she is, or how Brady figured out how to finally write his name or how well the girls are reading. I had my ipod playing on shuffle and "let it be" came on. I hadn't heard it since that day. I started weeping. Kara was still awake and asked what was wrong. I told her this story. She started crying as well. I told her I believed this song will pop up in our lives when we need it most, just like my mom always had.

perspective

Last Monday I attended the funeral for Allie Greene. She was only 31 and passed away from Colon Cancer. Gone way too soon. Her husband Brian has been a friend of mine for years. They were only married for just under 6 years. Their story had just begun. It was cut too short. Life is too short. At the funeral Brian said something that has stuck with me and has changed my perspective on things. He said "now that Allie is in heaven she is cancer free" It is true. Now that my mom is gone she will never ever have to battle that horribly ugly disease. She is forever cancer free. What a great thought. I have been trying to look at things differently. Trying to turn my view of things in a different direction. Yes it is incredibly hard having Lucy in the hospital and visiting her day after day, but at least she is still here. And by the grace of God she will be home in a month. Some mothers don't get to take their babies home. That crushes me the thought of that. Yes I am devastated that my mom died and I am left her at 31 without a mom, but Rylie Greene is only 3, she will have no real clear memory of her mom. I had 31 years of memories with her. The terror that Japan is facing right now is unbelievable. I can't imagine what pain they all must be dealing with. Mothers trying to find their children, children trying to find their mothers. That is their reality now and it is a nightmare. My reality is not a nightmare. It is just a little hard. We will make it through. We are making a donation to the Red Cross, I urge you to do the same. I also challenge you to change your perspective on your life. It is so easy to feel sorry for yourself and the tough things life throws at you, but try and see things differently you might be surprised at how much better you feel.

tenacious

The last 5 days have made my head spin. My heart literally stopped on Thursday, the fear that gripped me then is still lingering now but it has subsided considerably. Lucy has made a complete turn around. She really amazes me. She is strong. She is mighty. She is showing me her true colors already. She is only 7 weeks old and I am learning so much about her. She won't let anything keep her down for long. Even the doctor is impressed with her progress. They still are unsure as to what exactly she was sick with but they know that the anti biotic are working. She is off the vent and back on the nasal cannula. Her vital signs are back to normal. Our prayers were answered. The miracle of medicine and God have shown there power again in our lives. Lucy is tenacious, she everything I hope to be. I can't wait to see her grow and thrive.

On a completely separate topic my sister has a blog. It is awesome. Her blog is funny and a great break from this depressing blog. Check her out, you won't be disappointed: Can of Cheese

restored

Yesterday I was apart of something amazing. Yesterday my faith was restored. My faith in miracles, in humanity, in believing in the possibility of good. Read the following article and I dare you to not be moved to believe.

Brad Paisley answers Facebook request to honor OC woman | allie, brian, paisley - News - The Orange County Register

derailed

Yesterday was horrible. Quite possibly the worst day I have ever had. Lucy has been doing so well. Gaining weight, less and less apnea episodes, eating well. No major problems. Life was starting to take a turn for the better. Then this roller coaster we are currently on derailed. It went flying off the tracks and crashed. Here is what went down yesterday:

10:30 pm: (Wednesday night) Mike and I visit Lucy, she is doing great. We were both able to hold her, snuggle her and kiss her. She was thriving just like she should.

7:00 am: I call the NICU like I do every morning to see how Lucy's night went. The nurse tells me to call back because the doctor was examining her and he didn't have a report yet.

8:30am; I call back. They tell me Lucy was having lots of apnea spells (where she stops breathing) and they needed to put her back on CPAP. They also informed me that she needed another blood transfusion (this is number 4) because she is anemic.

10:30 am: Mike and I go and visit Lucy. Even though she was on the CPAP she looked okay. They had started the blood transfusion. She was crying and pretty much pissed off that she had to be back on that machine and had IVs in both arms. All things considered she was doing okay.

2:15 pm: Picking the girls up from school my phone rings and it was the doctor. Lucy was not doing well. She started having more apnea episodes and they had to put her on a ventilator. At this point I started freaking out.

3:30 pm: I arrive at the hospital while Mike stays with the kids. I walk in to find 3 respiratory therapists, 2 nurses and the doctor all swirling around Lucy. I just sat down and sobbed. There was nothing I could do for my sweet baby. They informed me that she has some sort of infection and they are trying to determine where it is.

4:45 pm: I step out of the NICU to try and calm myself down. Mike meets me and we go back in.

5:00 pm: They had to switch the vent machine because the first one wasn't working for her. They had her at the highest settings and 100% oxygen. The doctor informed us that this was the most they could do for Lucy. Basically we were up against a wall and there was nothing else we could do except wait and see if any of this would help her.

6:30 - 8:00 pm: The NICU unit does a shift change and parents are not allowed in there. Mike and I sit directly outside of the NICU door and impatiently wait for 8:00pm.

8:01pm: We go back in. Lucy's heart rate was high, in the 200s usually it's in the 140s. Her oxygen was at 85% and the settings were still high. Her blood gases were coming back high. The doctor again just told us to wait. That it takes at least 3 days for the anti-biotic to take effect. They gave her a dose of morphine to sedate her and hopefully bring her heart rate down and let her relax.

9:30 pm: We leave the NICU to go home and update the family. The entire time we were gone I was so scared my phone would ring and they would tell us something terrible again.

11:00 pm: We return to the NICU and the mood had changed. It seemed calmer. Her oxygen intake was down to 30% and they were able to lower some of her settings on the vent. Her heart rate had gone back down to the normal range and she wasn't having any apnea spells. We started to slowly begin to breath again.

2:00 am: We return home to get some rest.

10:30 am: We return to the NICU. Lucy was stable. Her oxygen was up to 50%. Everything else was pretty much the same. Head ultrasound showed no bleeding in her brain, which is really good. They stopped the morphine and the anti-biotic were starting to take effect. The doctor informed us that there was some sort of bacteria in her blood and because of that they are going to have to perform a spinal tap in the next couple of days to check for meningitis.

12:30 pm: We leave the NICU, dazed and confused.

4:30 pm: Talk to the nurse and she informed us that her oxygen is down to 25% and she is still stable.

I now officially know what worried sick means. The doctors and nurses insist that this is common in most preemies like Lucy. To me this is anything but common. This is hell. This is all backwards. I am scared to death. In the blink of an eye everything changed. I am so worried that we won't get back on track (even though again they assure us she will start to do better by the end of the week) I just have to get through today. Tomorrow is out of my control. Lucy is a fighter though, that is for sure. She is teaching me to stay strong. She is teaching everyone that, because no matter how small you are you can overcome even in the darkest moments.

believe

My old friend lost his beautiful wife to cancer this week. She was only 31, gone too soon. They have a beautiful daughter who is only 3. She really was an amazing woman. I didn't know her well but every time I saw her she was always smiling, always beautiful. My heart breaks for this family. Share this video and maybe her dream will come true!

unique

Life in the NICU is difficult. It is overwhelming. It is humbling. It can be inspiring. It can be depressing. It is stress inducing. Everything about it is unique. Just like every parents story. I have gotten to know the parents of the babies like Lucy who will be staying for awhile. I envy the parents who only have to experience the NICU for a couple of days or even a week. We have spent everyday at least twice a day for the last 6 weeks driving to and from the hospital. We ride up the elevator cautiously excited to see Lucy. We walk up to a door that is locked and have to be buzzed in. We have to wash, no scrub, our hands for 3 minutes before we even step foot into the unit. We then put on hospital gowns over our cloths and head over to Lucy's isolete. Each monitor that beeps while we walk over to see Lucy makes my heart skip a beat. The nurse updates us all the days happenings. There are days when all we hear is bad news. "She is just not tolerating her feedings" "She seems to have her heart murmur back" "She is up to 50% on oxygen and there is a chance she has chronic lung disease" "Her urine output is not very good so we are checking her kidneys" "She is having a head ultrasound today to check for bleeding in her brain" "She has to have a blood transfusion, again" "No sorry you can't hold her" "She hasn't gained any weight" "She has lost weight" (This by the way is just some of what we have been told on our journey with Lucy) Then there are days when the news is great "She has been on room air all day" "Her PDA has closed" "There is no bleeding in her brain" "Her kidneys look great" "She is off the CPAP" "She has gained 2 ounces" "You can hold her" Everyday holds new information. New fears new joy. I would really never wish this experience on anyone. Whats hard is explaining what it's like to have a baby this small, this fragile to others. I am however amazed at the power of medicine and of course prayer. Without either Lucy would not be doing as well as she is. I still question Gods plan here, why we are having to go through this sort of pain. I am trying to embrace this time in our lives and soak in all the bad and the good. I am finding small blessings in the NICU and that is helping me just get out of bed in the morning.

growing

daddy

There is just something special about a daddy and his little girl. Watching Mike with Lucy is magical. His intense need to protect her is something I know he will always want to do. He is incredible with the twins and they just adore him. I know when Lucy is finally home and starts to grow up their relationship will be something special. Something that I will never have with her, and that's ok because I love being able to be apart of the beauty of his love for his daughters.

2

Lucy has come so far from last week. She is breathing better, she is eating better and now she weighs a whooping 2 pounds!!! She also had her eye exam this week and it looks like her eyes are ok, just immature. They also performed another head ultrasound to check for bleeding in her brain and everything looks good. It was definitly a good week.

dancing

In the NICU the nurses and doctors continually say "two steps forward one step back" This is so so true. What we have experienced is much like learning a new dance. We are tripping all over the place. Not finding our footing. Forgetting to listen to the rhythm of the music and allowing our bodies to flow freely. We are trying to control the situation instead of just letting it happen. Lucy is doing much better than last week. She is still on the CPAP and is breathing on 21% oxygen which is great. She is eating better and is slowly putting on weight. This is our two steps forward. Last week was our step back. The dance of the NICU is difficult to learn. Lucy is teaching us though. Through her we are learning that stressing will do nothing for us. Worrying and fighting and fear will only hold us back. It will just keep us from learning a beautiful dance. A dance that in life not many get to learn but one I feel blessed to learn. There WILL be a time when we look back at this time and remember all the scary moments and then I will kiss my sweet Lucy and thank God for getting us to this point, for teaching us this dance of life.

prayers

When my mom got sick I prayed everyday for 2 months that she would get better. Every doctors appointment I would pray would bring good news. And every doctors appointment would bring worse news than before. But still I kept praying. Even in her final hours, I sat out in the living room praying. At that point I was just praying. Praying for whatever God wanted. He chose to take her. After Lucy was born I again started praying all day everyday. In the beginning she seemed to be doing well. I finally felt that my prayers were being heard. Now though Lucy is going backwards. She is back on the CPAP and has had a 3rd blood transfusion. She seems to be struggling so hard to breath. I am in fear again that my prayers are getting lost in translation. That I am not praying correctly. My prayers couldn't save my mom and now it seems that they are not helping Lucy. I am so scared. I don't know what is normal here for a preemie like Lucy. I don't know anyone who has gone through this. I keep hearing stories from others about someone they know who knows someone who had a micro-preemie and now that baby is doing great. I don't know how much more I can handle. I feel very weak. I feel so helpless. I am her mom and I should be able to heal her. All I can do is sit and pray. Sit and pray. Sit and pray. Am I being naive in thinking that my prayers are not being heard? I believe so strongly in the power of prayer and I want to always trust that. Please pray for Lucy. Pray for her to grow strong. Pray for our family to regain the strength we had in the beginning of all this. Just pray.

party

My sweet mother-in-law brought home a dozen red heart balloons the other day. The kids were excited to play with them and enjoyed running around the house and the back yard with the balloons. Slowly but surely, one by one the balloons floated away, up to the sky they flew. Today there were 4 left. Brady had just finished lunch and went and grabbed a balloon. He went outside and stood quietly. He spook to the balloon and gave it a kiss and then sent it flying. He stood and watched it float away all the while smiling. He came inside and grabbed another balloon. He ran back out with it and did the same thing. He came back in and grabbed another balloon and handed me one as well. I said "where are the balloons going?" He replied, "up to heaven with Grammy. Now she can have a party with all the balloons" I love my son. He really believes that heaven exists. He never questions it. He has such peace in him, and I know it is because his faith has not wavered since the loss of my mom. He has shown me to just trust and know that she is in heaven with Jesus.

poem

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen~*~
(Erma Bombeck)

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has just the right amount of selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see-- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice-- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

bittersweet

So yesterday was amazing. I can't stop thinking how good it felt to snuggle my little girl. I got to kiss her sweet face and whisper everything I had been wanting to tell her. I don't know when I will get to hold her again. But I know each time will feel blissfully beautiful. When I left the hospital I was on a high. My first thought was I need to call my mom. Then the ache in my heart came back. The lump in my throat grew large and I felt torn. I wanted to stay in the moment. Grief is tricky. It's always there but sometimes it hides. There are days, no more like hours where I feel like I will be able to get through this time. That I will be able to be the mom I was, I will be present and I will not cry from just thinking about my mom. Then there are the times when I can't breath. Where I can't believe that she is not here. I still desperately need my mom. Trying to cope without her here is incredibly difficult. I am finding however, that I am finding the confidence in myself to figure out life. I am relying more on my own thoughts and actions to get me through this phase with Lucy in the hospital. She used to be the one that would hold me up. I suppose everyone in life has to come to a point where they trust themselves and the decisions that they make are right.

magical

Today after waiting for 18 days I was able to hold my sweet girl. It was magical, amazing, unbelievable, beautiful. I am blessed. It was only for 5 minutes, but it was 5 minutes of heaven. I can't wait for the next time. Lucy is doing well with her feedings. She is however having a lot of trouble breathing. Lots of apnea spells. It is scary to Mike and I but the nurses assure us that this is all typical. For now I am floating on clouds.

beautiful

time

It has been one month since my mom passed. It has been 2 weeks since Lucy was born. Both events have rocked my world. The month of January has seemed forever. Everyday brings on new emotions and feelings. It still feels strange to not have my mom here. I went and visited her today at the cemetery. It felt weird. Not good, not bad just weird. I don't believe that she is there. I know she is in heaven. While we were there I noticed a family that had set up lawn chairs and they were just hanging out having lunch. I thought how funny it looked. Then I began to think that for them and I'm sure many others the cemetery is the closest they can be to the one they loved. My husband reminded me that I can be close with my mom like that anytime I pray or talk to her. I miss my mom. It's really hard, I'm not going to lie. Everything that Lucy is going through all I want to do is call her.

The people around us have overwhelmed us with their kindness. The girls school have set up "operation lunchbox", where families have signed up to bring lunches for the girls. They are loving it. I am feeling humbled by their giving hearts. My old friend set up a site where our friends can sign up to bring us dinners. Again I am humbled. I feel so undeserving of this generosity. Today one of Mikes friends from work came by and handed him a envelope of money. She had set up a bake sale for our Lucy. Once again we are humbled, I have no words or way to show how much we appreciate this outpouring of love. I know we will pay it forward when the time comes. I do feel in a way that my mom is behind all of this. My mom was so giving. If she were here she would be doing these things for us, instead she is guiding others to do the things she can't.

Lucy is doing amazingly well. She is off of her CPAP machine and put on a nasal cannula. They started feeding her yesterday and she is doing great, tolerating them all really well. It is hard to believe that she has only been here 2 weeks, it seems like she has been in our lives for longer. The love I feel for this sweet little girl overwhelms me every time I see her. I am so excited to see her grow, to see her flourish. I am just looking forward to February, January has been long enough. A new month is in order. I only hope more blessings are in store for us.

firsts

Last night I got to change Lucy's diaper for the very first time. It was awesome! I cried. I never in my life thought I would cry after changing a diaper. But the fact that she is 10 days old and it is something that every mother does for her newborn baby I had been anxiously waiting for this. She cried when I changed her little diaper. Her little cry is so cute. Sounds like a little lamb. There are going to be so many firsts with Lucy that I am patiently waiting for. I am waiting to hold her, hug her, kiss her. I really can't wait to kiss her. I'm sure I'll cry for like days after I do that. It breaks my heart that she has never been kissed. But I am trying with all my might to focus on the positive. She is here. Everyday she is a little stronger. I am lucky. I am blessed. I love Lucy.

normalcy

The last 2 months have felt like an out of body experience. There has been many many times where I lay in bed and think is this really all happening. I stop and wonder if I am just loosing my mind. Because to tell you the truth the thought of actually being crazy seems better than the reality of what is happening. If I was going crazy my mom would still be here, Lucy would still be growing in my belly and everything would be normal. Then I realize that is definitely not happening. Mike and I have been trying very hard to get back into some routine with the kids. They thrive on routine and the last 2 months have been a fly by the seat of our pants. We have moved in with my in-laws because they live 5 minutes from the hospital and that gives us great comfort knowing we are so close to our sweet Lucy. But again this is not our normal routine. So we are trying hard to re-create the routine that we had at home here. It is a slow process but it seems to be working. What is nice is that the kids are still themselves. There are still 457 fights to break up throughout the day. Kara still craves her quiet time. Brady still cries about everything. Lily still cuts her own hair (we are on haircut number 4, I can't figure out how to get her to stop cutting her hair.) In all those moments I am filled with peace. Yes even when Lily came out of the bathroom with half of her hair chopped off and even when they were rolling each other around in a large tub in the backyard. I crave the normalcy of the everyday. My children are my encouragement from God to continue to stay strong. Lucy has shown what it means to fight hard. She is amazing, and that is according to the doctors, I of course already knew that.

Here is the update as of right now, (this could all change tomorrow I know): She has no bleeding in her brain, the PDA in heart closed up after just 2 doses of medication, she is on a CPAP machine and is breathing room air, she is having some tummy issues and they have done 2 x-rays and it is showing nothing alarming but they are unable to feed her at this time due to the amount of bile that is coming through her tube. She is having some apnea episodes which is scary for us but according to the nurses and doctors this is all typical of a preemie her size. I believe more than ever in the power of prayer. When I sit with Lucy all I can do is talk with God and pray. I started praying for all the other babies in the NICU and their parents. It is a scary world in the NICU and I'm positive no matter what each baby is going through the parents are terrified and I know that they to are craving normalcy. Thank you to whoever reads this for your prayers, please keep them coming, Lucy is living proof of the power of prayer.

miracle

Miracle

  /ˈmɪrəkəl/ Show Spelled–noun

1.an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.

2.such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of god.

3.a wonder; marvel.

My daughter is a miracle. She is amazing. She is defying all odds. I am so thankful. Thankful for all the prayers, they are really working, keep them coming. Thankful to have the skilled nurses and doctors taking care of my Lucy. I am patiently waiting for the day I can hold her, kiss her. Until then I will marvel in the miracle of life and medicine. I will keep praying for Lucy Grace to thrive like she is. Really considering everything that we have been through, I am blessed. I am blessed to be a witness of a true miracle. I am blessed to be the mother of this tiny beautiful fighter. I am blessed to have 4 children here with me on Earth. I know, really really know that my mom is watching over Lucy. And that might be why my mom left so quickly, she had to protect her precious granddaughter.

Lucy

On January 14th, at 12:19am I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Lucy Grace. What is wrong with this sentence? Oh yeah I was only 26 weeks pregnant and not due till April 15th. The same week I buried my mom I gave birth to a very beautiful but very tiny baby. It turns out I had developed pre-eclampsia and I almost died. Our baby almost died as well. The whole thing feels like a dream. In the hospital I had a moment of total denial. How can life throw so much at us? My family had just been through so much. I'm trying so hard to not play the "Why me" game. But really WHY ME?! The one thing I am taking from all this is we have absolutely no control over our lives. Yes we can control the small things,the day to day things. But when it comes to the big picture we are not in control. I have also decided that life is really beautiful even when it is totally out of control. My daughter has a long and scary road ahead of her. But she is feisty. She is strong, at only 1lb. 8oz. she has shown strength that I don't even have. I can't stop praying. I get worried that my prayers are not being heard. The comfort I am finding in all this is that my baby is still here. That I am still here. If it wasn't for the doctors and nurses who worked so quickly to deliver Lucy, I would not be here. If it wasn't for my husband insisting that we go into Labor and Delivery I would not be here, Lucy would not be here. God placed these people in my life to save my life. Watching Lucy in NICU is hard. I feel like I am continually holding my breath. I can't wait to exhale. It's difficult to hear the doctors tell us all the things that could go wrong. Again I have no control over any of it. I can't control what the scan on her brain will show. I can't control her breathing. I can't control the PDA on her heart. The only thing I can do is wait and pray. Again I ask whoever is reading this to do the same. Please pray for our baby. Please pray for my family. Please pray that God will grant us some peace after the storm we have gone through.

regret

We had my moms services earlier this week. They were beautiful. Sunday night was a vigil mass and we said the entire rosary, which I always love doing. It's a great way to center yourself and think about God. After the rosary and prayers people were invited to come up and share happy memories of my mom. Every Single Person who got up said something so beautiful, so profound that I was in awe of how my mom had touched so many people. The night of the vigil mass there were close to 300 people there. The stories I heard were some I had never known. The accomplishments my mom had made in her life were things I had never realized. I started to feel regret in my heart. I felt bad for not knowing these things. And now that she is gone I can't ask all the questions I want to ask. I regret putting things off. Places I wanted to take my mom. 4 years ago we were going to see The Ellen Show. I had gotten tickets and a babysitter, but my mom had a meeting so we were unable to go. Over the past 4 years we had talked about going. I never got around to it. Now it is too late. After I had the twins I realized how funny birthdays are. We celebrate the person who was born that day but not the person who brought the child into the world. I decided that on my birthday I would always give my mom a special gift. That was 6 years ago and I never did it. I regret that. When putting together the picture boards for her services I realized I didn't have very many of her with my son. That breaks my heart. There is nothing I can do about that. All I can take from the feeling of regret is to make sure I don't put anything else off. When I want to do something or tell someone what they mean to me I am going to do it. You should do the same. What is the point in waiting for tomorrow or the right time? Life has taken on a whole new meaning. It is fast and can be hard. Loosing someone so close to you feels unfair. But the reality is that is how life is. So my option is to be upset or to take charge of my life and live with no regrets. I choose no regrets.

gone

On the morning of New Years Eve my beautiful mother lost her battle to cancer. Gone way too soon. I am numb. I keep wondering if I will ever stop crying. If the pain that I feel in my heart will ever heal. I will share the story of my moms last hours when I can find the words to explain how it all happened. As of right now everything feels unreal. In my head all I keep thinking is I want my mom, I want my mom. I feel like a child who is homesick. I have never experienced anything so permanent. I can never get her back. I can never have one more conversation with her. I can never have one more hug. I wish with all my might that I could have her back for one more anything. My mom was truly my best friend. I leaned on her for everything. We would talk at least twice usually three times a day. I would see her at least 5 days out of the week. I am lost. I feel alone. It is a strange feeling to know that I don't have a mom here on Earth with me. This pain is unbearable. I can't believe that people go through this and even more that they get through this. I know that time will help heal the pain I feel in my heart, but I know the ache and longing for my mom will always be there. I miss my mom.